Overthoughts

blackflame28 @ 2028-09-05T21:23:00

2008-09-06T01:23:37Z

A distraction

2008-05-08T03:19:09Z

Previously titled: Twins
then changed to: Clover
Currently, unknown title.

I lifted my elbow up and heard the familiar crack of a bone breaking. I turned around to see what I just attacked. I knew it was demon I just didn’t know what kind of demon. To my disappointment it was a vampire.

“Don’t you know better than to sneak up on a Hunter?” I quipped. Blood poured from his nose. Argh. How disgusting. Then he decided to test my tolerance and grinned. The blood dripped on his yellow fangs. Why did demons have to be so vulgar?

“I am ready to surrender to your sword,” he said as he knelt on his knees, raising his hands towards the sky. I noticed a dark tattoo circling his wrists, “but I bring you a message.” I pulled out my least favourite type of weapon from my jacket. I absolutely hate stakes. They were so classless. I prefer the sword but I knew in this case, the stake was my best choice.

“Don’t care,” I replied.

“They have come. They are one enemy that you cannot defeat.”

“How many times have I heard that?” I drawled. It was getting late. I wanted to get home and catch a few hours of sleep before I went to school. I raised the stake and made a move to kill the vampire.

“You cannot win because your father has not told you the truth.” I slammed the wooden stake into his heart and watched him burst into dust. I was disturbed as I brushed the dust from my black cargo pants. Usually demons threaten me with an undefeatable demon, that didn’t bother me. I was a demon Hunter, after all. What wigged me out was he knew he was going to die and didn’t try to fight it. He actually gave up his life for his master. I didn’t like seeing that type of devotion. Something like that usually meant bad things.

I turned to go home, pushing the thoughts out of my head. Whatever, it was just one vampire, probably a crackpot. There would be nothing to worry about.

~.~

I am a Hunter. I guess that’s finally obvious by the first paragraph. I figured it was the best way to introduce myself. My name is Lei Daniela Morrison, and I am a demon Hunter. No, I’m not insane or belong in a mental ward, thank you very much. I am from a family of Hunters. My grandparents were hunters. My great grandparents were hunters. My parents have been hunting the damned since they were teenagers. My older brothers are Hunters and even my younger sister has started training to become one. To be a Hunter is ingrained in our blood. It is our destiny and fate.

They say Hunters hunt for one reason and one reason only: to rid the night of the dangers of the damned and to take back the night. Technically that’s two reasons, but it’s better not to point that out. I, however, do not hunt for that reason. They teach us not to hunt for vengeance or revenge but I do. Just after I was born a demon killed my mother. They attacked up in our home and killed her. My father has never really told us the whole gory story and I suppose that’s best. I don’t even think my step mother knows what really happened and my brothers have seemed to block it from their memories. I was just a baby so I don’t recall. I suppose that’s best. I could do without the memory of seeing a vampire sink his teeth into my mother’s throat, as she trying to save me and my brothers. Yes, I totally just made up a hero’s death for her, but she’s my mother. She probably did die trying to protect us.

I do know I want to get revenge on the demon that killed my mother. Whoever it was broke my family. We will never be the same. I don’t regret the family I have now. I love my step mother, but I rather have my mother. And I rather kill the demon that murdered her. I will not rest until I find who did it.

Please read and review!

A BSC Oneshot

2008-03-25T23:58:58Z

I want to change. Yet I am resistant to change. I fight against it. I hate it. I am unhappy when it happens. Yet I am so tired of the same. I am tired of the ordinary. I am tired of me.

Or maybe I’m tired of the expectations of me. The big sister. The little sister. The babysitter. The coach. The Idea Machine. Maybe I’m just really tired of the responsibility.

How often do I plan these grand plans for my siblings in their friends? Devoting hours of planning to ensure they have fun? How many times did I plan huge events for the BSC? I was the president, after all. I was in charge of it all. I carried the business. If the business failed, then it was my doing. I came up with so many ways to make the BSC successful, who would have thought it would have ended, not because we were so young and inexperienced, but because our friendships fell apart? Maybe this is why the real reason I’m questioning myself.

Maybe not.

Once in high school, I no longer had the BSC, I continued being the responsible one. I studied hard. I made sure I got into honour classes, I was the youngest varsity softball player, I was the class president for two years in a row and I did what I could to get early admission to college. I continued to be responsible. I continued to do what everyone expected of me.

Now, with only a couple of months until graduation, I am doubting myself. Who I am. Why I do what I do. I’m tired of it all. The strict schedule. The homework, practice, babysitting. The fact there is no down time, no fun. I look at some of my peers, the ones who aren’t as “smart,” as “successful,” who aren’t considered to be “role models” and they are having fun. Do I look like I’m having fun? I suppose I do. People assume I’m happy. But I’m not.

I’m not happy. I want to have fun. I want to stop caring. I want to shock everyone. I want to go to a party and get drunk. I want to get high. I want to do things without worrying about the consequences. I want to do things without being responsible. I don’t want to be responsible anymore.

Maybe I’m just deluding myself. Maybe I really like my life. After all, I wouldn’t have done all this if I didn’t want it. I like being in control, being smart, being the best. I need to be the best.

Maybe the reason why I’m lying awake is because I’m looking for justification. An explanation to what happened. Why I said yes. Why I went along with him. Why we kissed. Why it went beyond that.

He always provoked me. He always make my life more complicated, “more interesting.”

Maybe the only way I can convince myself that what happened is okay is to convince myself I want to change.

Maybe.

Maybe. However, that doesn’t explain why I’m going out again. Why I’m not telling anyone. Or what I want it to happen again.

blackflame28 @ 2008-03-13T10:21:00

2008-03-13T21:07:40Z

I opened the package, my hands shaking. The words seemed to jump from the page: APPLICANT- James Harvey Vriend; RESPONDENT- Samantha Lilly Taylor. TO THE RESPONDENT(S), it read in bold letters, A COURT CASE HAS BEEN STARTED AGAINST YOU IN THIS COURT. IF YOU WANT TO OPPOSE ANY CLAIM IN THIS CASE, you or your lawyer must prepare an Answer (Form 10 — a blank copy should be attached), serve a copy on the applicant(s) and file a copy in the court office with an Affidavit of Service (Form 6B). YOU HAVE ONLY 30 DAYS AFTER THIS APPLICATION IS SERVED ON YOU (60 DAYS IF THIS APPLICATION IS SERVED ON YOU OUTSIDE CANADA OR THE UNITED STATES) TO SERVE AND FILE AN ANSWER. IF YOU DO NOT, THE CASE WILL GO AHEAD WITHOUT YOU AND THE COURT MAY MAKE AN ORDER AND ENFORCE IT AGAINST YOU.

I sat down, dropping the package. My hands were shaking. It seemed so serious, so life threatening. How could he do this to me? I told myself to calm down. I told myself to read what was in there. Once I knew what I was dealing with then I could deal with it. I could call a lawyer. Or I would do this on my own. I looked towards Eve's room. I grabbed the fallen court documents and flipped through the pages. James recited when we met and our ages. He claimed that he was the biological father of the child but I had tried to do whatever I could to keep him from knowing.

I bored. I don't have the feeling to write this right now. I will continue this. I promise... just I need some.. I don't know. baaaaaaah

Gone, pt. 10

2008-03-12T21:13:08Z

"One more push! You are doing great, Samantha," the doctor said as I pushed with all my might. My mother squeezed my hand as we heard the first cries of my newborn child. Immediately tears sprung to my eyes. My little baby was finally born. The doctor held the baby and smiled at me, "It's a beautiful girl." I took the baby in my arms and smiled at her.

"Welcome to the world little one," I whispered. She was a beautiful baby. I looked at my mother, whose eyes were also filled with tears. On January 9 at 4:31 a.m. my beautiful baby girl was born into this world. All thoughts of everything else flew out of my mind. At that moment, as I looked at her blue eyes, she was the only important thing in the world. My mother touched my shoulder.

"What's her name?" her voice barely broke through my thoughts.

"Eve," I replied, "Her name is Eve."

Eve was completely healthy. The doctor advised that we would be able to go home that evening. Aside from my family, Jayden was Eve's first visitor. He gushed about how cute she was and how she looked just like her mother. When it was just the three of us, Jayden asked if I put James on the birth certificate. I shook my head no. I didn't want Eve to have any link to him. We were interrupted by a nurse, carrying a large flower arrangement. I took Eve as Jayden took the little card from the arrangement.

"Congratulations on the baby. We'll make excellent parents," Jayden read then threw out the card. I caught an angry look in his eye, "How on Earth did he find out so soon?" I held my baby close to me and stroke her cheek. She was sleeping peacefully.

"It doesn't matter," I said, my eyes on Eve, "He is not going to be involved."

The next few days were crazy. I wanted to spend all my time with Eve. Jayden and my father ended up doing most of the moving of my things to Jayden's apartment. While I cared for Eve, I noticed that my father seemed to warm up to Jayden. Once we had settled, we had a steady stream of visitors. My grandparents dropped in to see their great grandchild, some of my mother's siblings also drove down to see Eve.

It was a month after Eve's birth when James made his next move. I was home alone, Jayden was out working. I had gotten Eve down for a nap. I was expecting Adam to pop in after class. Of all my friends, I never expected Adam would be the one who wanted to spend the most time with Eve. I wasn't including Jayden, of course. I had hoped Alexia would warm up to the baby but she seemed as distance as ever. The rare time that we spoke on the phone, she never asked how Eve was. She would just complain about how she hadn't deferred and then she would have to go.

I opened the door, expecting Adam standing there with a teddy bear. He had taken habit of coming with a new teddy bear for Eve. I told him that he was spoiling her but he grinned and said that he knew.

"Samantha, don't you think this has gone long enough?" James was at the door. He held a large envelope in his hand, but his eyes were sad.

"How did you find me?" I asked, shaking. Lately he had been sending cards and whatnot to my parent's home. He smiled.

"You are the mother of my child. Don't you think I'd know where you are?" he shrugged, "Anyway, I have this Application to court in my hand. My parents thought I should go to court asking for custody of our child, especially since you seem relatively unstable."

"What?" I cried then hushed myself. I paused, to listen if I had awoken Eve. I didn't hear anything.

"I don't have to do this, you know," he continued, "Just agree with me. You know we belong together," he stepped closer to me, "Don't you remember all the times we would lay together, imaging our future? We promised to be there for each other for always. I love you, Samantha and I know you love me. I know you do and I can't let go of you without a fight," he looked away for a moment, "I should have fought harder at the beginning but I thought you'd come back to me. When I saw you pregnant, I figured it was just a matter of time before you realized that we were meant to be a family. How many times have we talked about having a family? We would have a boy and girl and live in the country. We can still have that dream, Samantha." I shook my head.

"Are you even listening to yourself?" I asked, "You hurt me. You raped me. How can I raise my child in an environment like that?" James frowned.

"I never hurt you, Samantha. I made some mistakes, I'll admit but it was never as bad as you claim," he handed me the envelope, "I'm sorry it has be like this," he began to walk away then turned back at me, "I can stop this at any time. I'm just waiting for you to come to your sense." I slammed the door behind me. I looked at the envelope, fearful of what would be inside.

yeah!! the true plot begins!! i'll try to post tonite... but i have to clean the apartment...

Gone, pt. 9

2008-03-11T19:57:41Z

I immediately felt overwhelmed and suffcated in the booth with my friends. My stomach twisted and I doubt it was all just morning sickness. I touched my stomach, trying to calm myself down. I thought for a moment about the little baby that grew just under my fingers. I took a deep breath. I didn't know who to respond to first: Alexia or Jayden. Alexia and Adam stared at me, waiting for my response. Jayden was staring at his food. Another moment passed.

"I'm sorry," he said, standing up, "I knew I shouldn't have said anything," and in a quick motion he tossed down some money and left. I stood up with the intent to go after him but Adam pushed past me, going after his cousin. Alexia grabbed my wrist. She looked at me expectently. When I didn't speak, she did.

"You should have said something to him," she said, taking her fork and stabbing the eggs with it, "You saw the look on his face and it's clear that he loves you. I'm beginning to think that James took away your ability to think." I glared at my so-called best friend.

"Alexia, shut up," I snapped, I grabbed my purse, flumbling for some change to throw on the table, "You have no idea what you are talking about. I'm just hoping that this never happens to you so you know how wrong you are." I stormed off, not waiting for her response. At that moment I didn't care if I never spoke to her again.

Adam stood alone outside. He looked at me as I stepped out of the resturant.

"He bailed," Adam said, "He really cares about you but he's afraid. He doesn't want to hurt you and he doesn't want to push you into anything you aren't ready for," Adam placed his hands on my stomach and smiled at me, "I respect your decision to keep the baby. Alexia does too but she doesn't know how to show it," he paused for a moment, "We were all so worried about you this past year. You seemed to be falling down this hole and we couldn't do anything. Now that we have our Sammie back we don't want anything to happen to her," he kissed my stomach, "We love you." He then shrugged and went back inside the resturant. I knew I had to call Jayden and talked with him. I had no idea what to say. I also knew I needed to wait a bit to allow Jayden to calm down. I decided to walk home.

Despite my plan to call Jayden when I had gotten home, my mother was waiting for me with a huge box. She had dug out her baby books and wanted to go through them with me. I didn't protest. I enjoyed being with her, without feeling judged for my actions, or inactions. After that it seemed my sisters also wanted to spend time with me. Shawna wanted to look at baby cataloges and decide on baby clothes. Shelly had wanted to discuss with me about her courses. Only my father didn't spend time with me. He came home around dinner and locked himself in his home office. Once we had cleared up dinner, and more noticeably as I headed for my bedroom, did my father emerge and announce he was going out for a while.

It was around nine before I had a chance to call Jayden. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed his cell number. It was off. That bothered me. He never kept it off. I dialed the house phone and Adam picked up. Butterflies twisted and battered against my stomach. What if Jayden didn't even want to talk to me anymore? Adam put me on hold and moments later Jayden picked up.

"Hey," his voice was unreadable. I couldn't tell if he was angry or not. My mind whirrled with possibilities.

"I'm sorry. I should have said something at breakfast today but I was just so surprised, you know? I wasn't expecting it at all and with all those moronic comments Alexia was making, it was too much for me to handle and I'm sorry," I blurted out in one breath.

"It's okay," Jayden said, "I shouldn't have said anything. I should have thought it through. All afternoon Adam has been telling me it's a foolish decision. I don't have a car, I don't have a high paying job and here I am wanting to play daddy?" Jayden sounded as nervous as I felt.

"I don't think it's foolish," I said quietly, "Out of all the people I know, I know you'll be a wonderful father."

"I want to be there for you, Sam," he said. The butterflies cleared in my stomach. I knew he wanted to say more. I wanted to say more. Suddenly I wanted to explain why I first kissed him. That his kindness attracted me to him and after being caged for so long, it felt good to feel free with someone. Saying it like that would come out all wrong. It would sound like I was using him when it wasn't that at all. I had feelings for him. I wondered if moving in with him would just make things worse, as in it would intensify everything. I pushed those thoughts away.

"Anyway," Jayden continued when I didn't say anything, "It's pointless now. I mean, Adam is right-" I cut him off.

"No, he's not," I said, "I mean," I took a deep breath, "It wasn't a foolish idea. It was very thoughtful and I would be honoured to have you help me." It seemed we finally stopped stumbling around each other and our nerves. Jayden promised to work harder, in order to save money for a car. We talked about touching on the possibility of living together in the future, when he was more prepared. I knew that meant he would work whenver he could to ensure he had enough funds to support my child and me. When we finally hung up, I felt really special. I laid back on my bed, my fingers sprending out against the bare skin of my stomach. I knew, despite the circumstances this child was brought into the world, the child would be loved. As I dozed off that night, I felt a sense of peace overcome.

The months passed quickly. I hadn't heard from James in months. I believed he finally had given up and moved on. As my stomach grew bigger, I pushed all thoughts of the child's father out of my mind and focused on the child. Jayden had purchased a car and had found a two bedroom apartment. Together we decorated the baby's room. We didn't discuss when I would move into the apartment, although I figured I probably would after the baby's birth, nor did we discuss where he and I would sleep. Neither of us brought up those questions and it seemed alright with both of us.

Alexia and I had made up as well. There would be times I wondered if we only really stayed and acted like we were good friends because of the amount of time we hung out with Adam and Jayden. Most of the time we would hang out with the guys, only occassionally just the two of us. We never went to her place anymore which lead me to wonder if her family even knew about the baby. It seemed to me that as my child grew, our friendship was drifting apart. I knew every time she saw me, she thought I had been foolish to keep the child. I could see the look in her eye, the look of anger and disgust, when she saw me. It would only last a second, but I could see it. She never pushed the topic, which lead me to believe either Adam or Jayden warned her to keep her mouth shut. I would often wonder if once she saw the baby if she would change her mind and believe me when I saw I am making the right decision. In the end, I supposed it didn't matter. I had learnt my lesson from being with James- no one else would make my decisions for me. I would learn from my mistakes and I would live my own life.

My birthdays were usually uneventful days. That was the problem with being born on Christmas Eve, normally everyone was busy with their own holiday. In recent years I hadn't cared as much. My friends always made top to stop in, even if it could only be for a few minutes. This year Adam decided, since it was going to be my last year I would be able to do anything fun, he was going to throw me a huge party. His decision could have also been in part because his parents were going to Flordia for Christmas and were leaving him and Jayden behind. I had declined the birthday party at first. I knew I would feel uncomfortable and ackward at a huge party but Adam insisted. By the time of my birthday, it would be only weeks away from the due date. Adam promised me the best party ever.

On the day of my birthday, my family took me out for small family dinner. It was nice to be around my family, except, maybe for my father, who still couldn't look me in the eye. After dinner, our parents dropped me and my sisters at Adam's. Shawna was incrediably excited to be going to her first "real college" party. She had dressed to kill. Shelly couldn't care less. I knew she was only going to keep an eye on me and Shawna.

Jayden surprised me by hugging me tightly as we entered Adam's house. He was suppose to be working until late.

"What are you doing here?" I squeeled, hugging him tight.

"Got off work. You'll think I'd miss your party? Besides someone has to protect you from the host," then Jayden placed his hands on my stomach and spoke to my baby. He always did this. He would speak to the child, asking her (or him, I didn't want to know the sex) how her (or his) day was going, etc until the baby would kick his hand. Just as Jayden got his customary kick, Adam bounced over. It was obvious he had already been drinking. Alexia followed him, drinking a cool.

"Birthday girl!" he cried.

"Birthday momma!" Alexia cried. The two of them burst out laughing. I looked at Jayden, feeling uncomfortable. I wrapped my arms around my stomach, as if I could protect the child from the drunkness around me. Jayden understood immediately and mentioned to Adam he was going to take me to the dining room, where apparently there was a large pile of girls waiting for me. As we left the host, Jayden said we should make the rounds so everyone could wish the birthday girl a happy birthday before we dug into the presents.

As we made our way around, I must have heard a million times, "I heard you were pregnant but I didn't think it was true!" or "Jayden, you're the father?" I was getting tired of it. Finally, I excused myself to the washroom so I could be alone for a few minutes. I headed upstairs to the one Jayden and Adam shared. I figured that one would be off limits to the party goers. I shut the door behind me and rested against the wall. I told myself to relax. It must have been a shock to a lot of people to see me as big as a house and since I was circling around with Jayden, it could be assumed that we were together. It didn't make me feel any better. Adam had promised me a "normal" party but looking like this, I couldn't believe I had believed him. After a few minutes, I heard a knock on the door.

"I'm in here," I called out. It was probably Jayden checking to see if I was okay. I stood up, telling myself to go back out there. It would be only for a few more hours and then I probably would be able to convince Shelly to help me find Shawna and we could go home. The door opened and James stepped it. My body froze as he shut the door behind him.

"Samantha," he said, "I tried to be patient with you. I thought if I gave you the space you asked for, you would come to senses," he looked at my stomach, "But as time continued, I could tell you weren't going to," he pointed, "When were you planning to tell me?" I wrapped my arms around my stomach. I looked around, wondering if I would be able to escape past him. James was blocking my exit. I wondered if our baby was able to feel the tension in the room.

"Samantha, are you trying to drive me crazy?" James stepped closer to me, "Unless you are planning to tell me that this is the product of your whoring around, that child is mine. That makes us a family."

"No, it doesn't," I finally found my voice, "It doesn't make us anything. You aren't going to be involved with this child at all." I sounded stronger than I felt. James stepped closer. We were almost touching. My heart pounded in my throat. As worried as I was about he hurting me, I was more afraid he would cause harm to the baby. I knew I had to leave that bathroom. The music was pounding downstairs. If I screamed, no one would be able to hear me. James touched my stomach. I could feel the baby flutter.

"Our baby. That makes us a family. That means we are destined to be together," he seemed to moving closer, I was pinned against the wall, "This baby is a sign that we are meant to be. Don't you see it, Sammie? I have never stopped loving you," he bent his head ever so slightly and kissed me. At that moment, Jayden opened the door and James apart from me. He had a smile on his face. Only at that moment was I aware I had started to cry. James pushed past Jayden, pausing at the door for a moment to say, "I'll be seeing you." I slid to my knees, trying to control my tears. Jayden came over to me and wrapped me in a hug.

Then it started all over again. On Boxing Day I received a bouquet of red roses and the next day I received a stuffed bear. When Alexia invited me out on New Years Eve, I refused, not wanting to run the risk of running into James. Jayden came over instead. We hid out in my room, only joining my parents for the midnight count down. At midnight, Jayden squeezed my hand and kissed my stomach, wishing the baby a happy new year.

Yeah.. that's all I have for now. I intend to add more to this post tomorrow or maybe later tonite, so keep checking. Let me know what you think, as always!

edit: yeah... so this is a short chapter. whatever. coming up, birth of the wee one and a surprise from james!

Gone, pt. 8

2008-03-07T21:59:15Z

I called a family meeting after dinner. Mom and Shelly were the only ones "happy" to come. Shelly had been throwing family meetings for as long as I can remember. Meetings to tell us that she got an "A" on an assignment, that she was trying out for some team, that she got her first kiss. By then time I hit freshmen year, Shawna and I begged my mother to tell Shelly to hold back on the family meetings and have them only when it was really important, like when she was accepted into university. Shelly had great respect for family meetings.

Shawna whined, saying she had plans to go out with her friends after dinner. I told her, with a sharp look, to cancel them. Dad was also not very pleased. He said that he some work he needed to do. Again, with a sharp look, I told him to do it later. I didn't like taking control like that but in this case, I knew I couldn't put it off. Jayden had offered to sit with me but I declined. I needed to do this one on my own. Tomorrow, when I was going to meet with Alexia and Adam, Jayden said he'd be there. The idea of telling Alexia scared me more than telling my family.

My stomach was in knots all throughout dinner. Shawna kept trying to get hints as to my big announcement. I knew that she was trying to found out of it was unimportant enough for me to ccancel the meeting. My lips were sealed. Shelly mentioned about her program change, which caused Shawna to declare if a program change wasn't family meeting worthy, nothing I had to say would be.

Minutes felt like hours as we finished with the dishes in the kitchen. Dad had already grabbed his briefcase and was hovering around it, getting ready to grab it and disappear with it. Shawna was on her cell phone, probably texting to her friends that she will meet up with them "soon." I doubt mom and dad would want Shawna out after my announcement. I started to feel angry. I never called a family meeting. Never. Not even when I told everything to mom about James, which should have been family meeting worthy. I didn't call a meeting to discuss my choices about university or college. Chances would be that the next time I would call a family meeting would be when I was engaged. Why couldn't my family understand how important this must be to me to do this?

Finally we gathered in the living room. Dad sat on the couch, his briefcase on his lap. His fingers drummed against the leather binding of the case. Shawna laid on the floor, her hand wrapped around her cell, preparing for the next message received. Only Mom and Shelly sat attentive, waiting for me, their full attention on me.

"I'm pregnant," I said right away. There was a shocked silence in the room. Shawn reacted first and jumped to her feet. Her eyes lit up.

"Awesome!" she cried, "I'm going to be an aunt! It's going to be like having a little sister! Sam, aren't you so excited?" I notice Shelly roll her eyes.

"When did you find out?" Mom asked, slowly, as if she was trying use to get the taste of the situation in her mouth.

"Yesterday," I said, "Approximately three months."

"Who's the father?" my dad asked. I looked at him, hurt.

"Who do you think?" I snapped. Shawna was now watching the exchange between my parents and myself, with a sort of excitment in her eyes.

"Does he know?" Shelly asked. Everyone stared at me. I shook my head.

"No and I don't plan on telling him. I don't want him involved in anyway."

"What's your plan now, Sam?" Dad asked. That stopped me. I knew this was going to a hard conversation but questions about my future didn't occur to me. I repeated the question.

"Yes. Are you going to have the child? Abort it? Give it up for adoption? Are you going to get a job? What about the possibility of going to school? Have you thought about the effects of this... thing at all?" Dad asked, his hands still tapping on his briefcase, "You don't have a job right now and do you expect to live here forever? Your mother and I aren't willing to raise another child at this point in our lives."

"Do you think I planned this or something?" I cried, anger surging through me. Of all the reactions I dreamt of, this holier-than-thou attitude infuritated me, "Do you think this is how I wanted my first child? Do you think I want the father to be him? Think about it, dad! Figure out the time line! I can't believe you!" Mom jumped up in.

"Enough!" she cried, "There is no point about yelling about this," my mother looked at me, "Your father is right to a point, however. Have you thought about the future? About what you are going to do?" I sighed and sat back down.

"I'm not sure," I said finally, "I mean, abortion isn't an option and I don't think I could give the child up for adoption. I'm not sure, however. I need to come up with a plan." I put my hands on my stomach, my fingers sprending against the fabric of my shirt. There was a living growing baby in there. A baby that, in six months, would be depending on me fully. I knew it was a huge responsibility. I would need money, a roof over my head and food. I would have to do all this without depending on anyone else. I knew I would have to push aside all my feelings of inadquency I had been feeling since James and focus on the child.

Shawna pulled me into a hug and said, "Well, I am happy for you! A baby is suppose to be joyous news and I'm going to be happy about it." Then she bounced off to her room. Shelly stood up too and hugged me too. She didn't say anything. I knew what she was thinking. If she was in my situation she would "terminate" the pregnancy without thought. A child at this stage of life would only get in her goals. At the sight of my siblings leaving, my father stood up too. I knew he was going to go to the office, or off to see his thing on the side.

"I expected more of you, Samantha," he said then he left. Mom came over to me and hugged me.

"He doesn't understand," she said, "You girls were all planned, according to his schedule. He has a hard dealing with the unexpected, with the unplanned. This whole thing with James reminded him that he couldn't protect you from everything. Now there is this situation. He will come around." My mother hugged me again and left the living room.

I went to my bedroom, planning to hide for the rest of the night. Maybe I would try to come up with some sort of a plan but I knew, after my father's reaction, I wasn't looking forward to telling Alexia and Adam. I had a feeling Alexia would react similarly to my father. I knew both of them would believe that abortion would be the best answer. Erase the living being in me. All because of the timing and the reason that child came into existence.

Shawna burst into my room and began to laugh. I had been staring at my mirror. I did notice a slight bump in my stomach area but I looked the same I always did. Same frame, same hair, same eyes. I sighed, pretending to be impatient with my sister.

"What?" I folded my arms across my chest.

"I want to go out. Mom is going to act all weird because of the coming grandchild but if you come with me, it will be fine. Please?" Shawna clasped her hands together and made puppy dog eyes.

"Go where?" I asked. I knew I would already agree to the idea. I would probably call Jayden to join us. He could probably get the car from his aunt and drive us wherever.

"Just a small gathering of some of my friends," Shawna said. I raised my eyebrow. I crossed the room to grab my phone, "Okay, a party at my friend Julie's house. Her parents are away for the week and it will be wicked fun. If I go, this party might totally secure my social status for the rest of my life!" I laughed. Talk about being over dramatic.

"Hey," Jayden answered the phone, "Thank God you called. I'm insanely bored here and I keep thinking about your family meeting. How did it go?"

"Urgh, don't ask," I said, knowing full well he would hear every detail later that evening, "Shawna wants to go to a party and wants us to come with. Are you game?"

"A high school party? Now that we graduated, aren't we suppose to be going to college parties?" he laughed. I knew he was in. He promised to get us within an hour. Shawna squeeled with glee and bounced out of my room, probably to change into something skanky.

An hour later we were in Jayden's car, dressed to party. Julie's house was beyond packed. I saw a lot of other classmates there too. I wondered if Alexia or Adam had heard of the party. I wrapped my arms around my stomach, trying to cover the almost invisible bump. Jayden took my hand and smiled at me.

The party was wild and out of control. Shawna took off right away, disappearing into the crowd. Jayden and I went outside and found a quiet spot. I told him about the family meeting. He asked me what were my plans for the future. I told him I had no idea except that I was going to keep this child. He asked me what I was going to do about James. I told him that I wasn't going to tell him so I wasn't going to worry about it at the moment. We stayed out in the back yard for most of the party. When we were ready to go, we found my sister, completely drunk. I vowed to have a talk with her. If I had to, I'd tell her she needed to be a good role model for her little niece or nephew.

Jayden picked me first thing in the morning. I noticed Jayden seemed more quiet than normal, but I chalked it up to it being early. Adam worked in the afternoon so we decided the four of us would go out for breakfast. As Jayden and I walked into the resturant, he took my hand.

Alexia had already ordered for us. She had gotten the big breakfasts, with sunny side up eggs, bacon, hashbrowns and toast. She also ordered some pancakes. She grinned as Jayden and I took a seat. Adam was already there.

"I figured we need a heart stopper," Alexia said, "We are only young once right?" We talked about idle stuff as we waited for our food. Alexia told us about how her younger brother was going to start high school this year and how he was so nervous. He wanted to know everything and the "proper way to act so not to be beaten up."

"Not to ask questions like that," Jayden said, laughing. Alexia began to snicker too. Soon our whole table was laughing uncontrollbly. I was certain we would be kicked out. Our meals arrived and everyone dug in. The smell and the grease was beginning to make me feel sick. I sat back, hoping a breather from the eggs and bacon would calm my stomach down. Jayden passed me a piece of toast. I smiled at him. He seemed to know my every move before I spoke. Like as I put down the toast, he knew to put down his fork too. He knew what I was about to do.

"I'm pregnant," I said. Adam choked on his eggs, which almost made me start giggling. Alexia calmly put down her fork and raised her eyebrow.

"No way," she said, shaking her head, "No friggin' way." Jayden began to laugh.

"I'm glad you're the doctor, Al," he started eating again. I took a deep breath. Alexia looked at me sharply. Adam had stopped eating and was sending fire looks at Jayden. I wondered if Adam was mad because he thought Jayden was the father or because Jayden knew and didn't say anything.

"So when's the appointment?" Alexia asked, "I'll go with you. It will be hard I know but it will be better in the long run. I mean, James has finally stopped bothering you. There is no point in keeping something around to just remind you of the asshole, is there?" I didn't say anything. It was best to wait for the title wave to wash through before speaking. Alexia was probably still coming up with reasons not to keep the child. Jayden tossed his fork down, clearly annoyed.

"Oh shut up, Al," he snapped, "You can just erase the child because of the parent."

"What about the fact that Sam cannot afford to live on her own, never mind another person? And why don't we just ignore the fact that she has been majorly depressed since this whole James incident? Do you think she's in any state to raise the child on her own?" Alexia snapped. Now the two fo them were glaring at each other.

"She's not raising the baby on her own," Jayden replied but before he could continue Alexia continued.

"So she's counting on her parents to help? That's a sign of a real mature mother," Alexia rolled her eyes.

"I'm going to help her," Jayden said, "I'm going to do everything I can to help her." That brought silence to the table.

"What about your trip?" I finally asked. Our meals, at this point, had been forgotten about.

"Screw it. This is more important," Jayden faced me and took my hand, "I want to be there for you with all this. I wanted to talk to you in private about this but anything to shut Alexia up. I am planning to work overtime to save the money to get an apartment. I want you to move in with me."

Gone, pt. 7

2008-03-06T21:58:20Z

Thanks to "paganprincess" and "spirithound" who commented. In some ways I feel I am just fumbling when it comes to writing this. I have some ideas but I'm not sure how to play it out exactly. At first, I was going to do a "sam is like an elastic band and now that she is free from james, she is going to go to the other extreme" but then i decided not to. then i was going to have her get back together with james and we could all want that fall apart more but then i decided not to. now i have decided (and actually went with it) that Sammie should be pregnant and James is not out of the picture yet.

to answer trevor's question, i think i'm going to focus on the first month of her being pregnant and then skip ahead, to where it really starts. but we'll see. i might change my mind again and scrap what i have.

Thanks again to my commenters... and I have been instructed to tell everyone to read Brendan's journal and comment. NOW. Thank you.

Jayden took the next day off work. I told him that he shouldn't have but he said that he wanted to. We went to the doctor's first thing in the morning. My heart was pounding as we sat in the waiting room. I wondered how many people assume we were a couple. I wondered how many looked down on me for being a teenaged mother. I could just envision how Shelly would react. She would go on and on about how terrible it was to have a rape baby and would probably make some remark about how I would never forget that night whenever I looked at the child. I would probably never voice it to Shelly but she was wrong. James and I never used protection. He didn't like it. It wasn't his style, so he said. I thought about going on the pill a couple of times but I never investigated it enough. I always wondered if I wasn't careful enough if I would get pregnant but with everything else, I never worried about it.

I tried to remember, prior to that Friday night, when was the last time we had sex. It could have been the weekend before. It could have been even days before. I couldn't remember. I could remember we had it pretty regularly, whenever James was in the mood.

Jayden took my hand, as if he knew what I was thinking about, panicking over. I squeezed it tight and waited to go into the doctor's. Finally, when the doctor on call called me in, I pulled Jayden to come with me. Coming in, answering those questions, seemed too much. The doctor was an older man, clipboard in hand and seemed impatient. He had other patients I knew but I wanted to feel a little important while we discussed this. He asked, in a bored tone of voice, what did I think the problem was.

"I think I'm pregnant," I said right away.

"Did you take a home pregnancy test?" he asked, not acting surprised in the least. I looked at Jayden and shook my head. The idea didn't even cross my mind. I just thought I needed to go to the doctor. Immediately the doctor began scribbling on his little pad of paper and handed me a sheet.

"Go to the lab, get blood work. You'll find out in a day or so," then he left the office. I looked at Jayden, my hand beginning to shake.

"I could just ignore this," I whispered, "Maybe it will go away. I won't have to deal with it yet. I'm not ready to deal with this yet." This time Jayden didn't make any jokes. He pulled me close for a hug. I imagined in a few months time that my belly would swell so large that I wouldn't be able to fit comfortably in his arms. Jayden didn't say anything. He didn't need to. We left the office and went together to the clinic.

I knew I should prepare my family for the worse, yet I couldn't face them. Dad was missing from home more and more. Since that morning in the bathroom, he wasn't able to look at me the same. I wondered if it was became he now knew his "little girl" wasn't so little anymore. She had a relationship with a man that went to adult levels. I wondered if he thought that was my first time. I pushed that thought away. My father wasn't that stupid. Maybe the distance I felt between my parents and myself was imaginary. I supposed it didn't matter.

I stayed with Jayden for the rest of the day. I felt incredibly spacey, often just staring at my stomach, wondering if something was growing inside. I hoped it was me just gaining weight again from the self imposed starvation during my past relationship. Jayden didn't get upset with me. He plugged in the Xbox and whenever it was my turn and I wasn't paying attention, he would play it. I wanted to know what he thought about the whole situation. I wondered if he would look at me differently if I was pregnant. Suddenly, I wouldn't be Samantha- messed up but healing because her ex- boyfriend really played a number on her. I wouldn't be Samantha, the good friend who liked to play video games and chat about music and other stuff. I wouldn't be Samantha, who would be up for a party and would keep him out of trouble. I would become Samantha, the mother, the one who has to worry about the child first, the one with the child. It would change everything. I was afraid to ask him for his thoughts. I didn't want to know that our relationship would change.

The next day I told Jayden to go to work and promised him I would call him the second I heard anything. I promised he would be the first to know. He said he would have rathered spend the day with me but he finally agreed. He confessed he needed the money. It was almost comforting in a way to know that he was still saving money for his trip. I didn't want this possible situation to change everything.

Like many days in the past couple of months, I spend hiding in my room. My parents were used to my anti- social behaviour. Not that I was ever overly social with them before James. I knew I could have called Alexia and Adam but I didn't want to tell them yet. I spent most of the day on my computer, randomly surfing the internet. I tried to prevent myself from looking up pregnancies, babies and other such things. I tried to focus on my Angelfire website I had started about signs about abusive relationships. Most of it was cut and paste from other sites. I didn't know what else to add or how to draw it to girls attention. Reading the signs were almost like theropy for me, as strange as it sounded. I wanted to memorize them so I never fell into that trap again. I doubted I ever would. The only signatures I was receiving in my guestbook were from spamrobots, offering me to "grow in size" if I visited their website.

I tried to start a new section on teenage mothers. In my attempt to not focus on teenage pregnancy, I had found some statistics that struck me as interesting. Such as somewhere between 11% and 20% of teenaged pregnancies were a result of sexual assault or that at the time of the pregnancy, a lot of soon to be teenaged mothers were in abusive relationships, which when the pregnancy became known, the violence increased. I added some of that information to my webpage.

The day wore on. Shawna was out with her friends. I had noticed since the party I had attended with her, she wasn't the nerdy little kid I remembered. I didn't want to acknowledge that maybe I was too self involved to watch my sister grow up. She still stayed with her tight group of friends, but they were into fashion, makeup and boys now. Shawna said she was sleeping over at her friends' houses most night, even though I would have bet all my money she was at parties. I wondered what she was up to at those parties. I knew what girls did there. I worried about her. I hated her to get into the same situation that I was in. I worried that once she found out about the baby growing inside me, she would look at sex more casually, writting off the consquences as harmless because her big sister did it first. Or worse, she would think being a mother at my age as "cool."

I gave up hope from hearing from the clinic after five in the afternoon. At 5:01p.m. I received a text message from Jayden, wondering if I had heard anything. I could hear Shelly come home from her summer classes and make noise in the kitchen. I could swear I heard grumbling about how her lazy sisters don't don't do anything at home. I was curled up on my bed, hugging my knees tight. This was never how I thought I would become a mother. I wanted to be married, have a home, a job that I would miss and look forward to return to when I left on maturnity leave. I wanted to be excited about the child. I wanted a husband to talk about names with, to pick the clothes out. I began to cry. I didn't have a job. I only had my high school. Was I going to become one of those statistics of poor single mothers? Didn't my child deserve better? I knew I had the choice of adoption. Someone else, who was in a better position, could look after the child but the idea of giving up my own flesh and blood, seemed too much for me.

I heard a knock on the door. I tried to hide my tears by Shelly had already came in. Her angry look on her face relaxed when she saw my tear stained face. She sat down on my bed.

"You know, I've changed my major because of you," she said, "I love kids but after seeing what you are going through, I think it's more important to help those who have been in rough situations like you are. I can't say I understand you at all. I would have run straight to the Police and I would every time he contacted me but I want to understand and I want to help others. I don't want anyone to go through what you have."

"When did you decide this?" I asked. It was all news to me.

"Last month. There are some courses I need to make up in order to make the change, thus the extra summer courses but I'm not afraid of extra work," she smiled at me, "I wish I could relate to you, Sam. I hate seeing you hiding in here, crying, putting your life on hold because of what he did. You can't keep giving him that control over you." I nodded.

"I know you're right," I said. I wanted to continue, justify myself but I didn't know how. I heard the door slam and Shawna's voice call out that she was home for dinner. I wiped my face with my hands and forced a smile on my face. I promised Shelly to help her with dinner. Maybe we would ask Shawna to help and we would make our famous homemade pizza. The three of us would make pizza a lot. Mom always had premade dough in the kitchen. It would be like old times. It would be like things were normal again.

The next morning my cell phone rang. I knew it was the clinic. I had given them my cell phone. I didn't want anyone else to know, or even suspect, first. Still half asleep, I answered the phone.

Edit: ... it's early. too early. anyway, i decided to wrap up this chapter early. part 8... coming soon.

Gone pt. 6 and 7

2008-03-05T22:10:07Z

We went back to Jayden's after. Neither of us even mentioned the idea of returning to school. That was perfectly fine with me. Luckily, Jayden's aunt and uncle were at work all day, yet we barricaded ourselves in his room. We sat quietly at first.

"We went out drinking Saturday night. Adam has a fake idea and we did the typical teenager thing. We got a bunch of beers and sat in the park, drinking. I learnt that Alexia talks alot when she's drunk. She starting telling me about you and James," he paused, watching my face for a moment. I felt too numb to react, "Don't get mad at her. She began to talk because she's concerned for you. She doesn't seem to understand the issue. It appears that to her, this is black and white. He hurts you; therefore, he is bad. I can't pretend I understand any better. I've never been in that situation. Never known anyone who has but I don't believe it's black and white for a moment. I mean, if he was bad from the beginning, you would have never dated him. If he was always bad, you wouldn't have stayed. Now things are murky or something," he paused and looked at me again, "Or am I way off base?"

"No, you're right. There was something in him..." I sighed, "I'm afraid. I'm afraid he won't let me go and I'm afraid I won't want to let him go. This was suppose to be true love and look at it. This is all wrong." Jayden put his arm around me.

"So now what are you going to do?" he asked. I rested my head against his shoulder, trying not to think of all the times I had cuddled like this with James.

"I don't know," I whispered. He hugged me close and whispered, "I'll stick by you during this time. Feel free to pop over, call or whatever whenever you need to. You won't have to be alone in this."

I wish I could say everything ended happily ever after. James was true to his word. He wasn't about to let go. He would occassionally send me flowers or cards, reminding me that he loved me and was waiting for me. I changed my cell phone number and email addresses. My parents urged me to contact the Police but I refused to make a report. I believed that he would give up after a while. My belief that he would began to deminish as the weeks passed.

My friendships with Alexia and Adam began to repair. Alexia would occassionally tell me to call the Police, trying to get a restraining order or peace bond against James but she knew for the most part, when it came with dealing with James, Jayden was the one at my side. He held my hand and listened to me as a ranted. He listened to me as I debated about calling the Police or not. He quickly because my closest friend. I had to admit there was a lot of sexual tension between us but neither of us acted on it. I knew neither of would until James was truly gone from my life.

I graduated high school, only scrapping by with the marks. Alexia had graduated with honours, as did Adam. Adam had decided to apply to the local university for their dramatic arts program and Alexia had deferred her acceptance to university for a year. She didn't explain why, yet I wondered with all that had happened the last year, she didn't feel ready to move away from her family yet.

It wasn't until about the after school when things made a turn for the worse. I had been sick lately, throwing up a lot and certain smells just made me feel worse. James hadn't contacted me in about two weeks, the longest he had ever gone. I was counting every second. I hoped it was the last of him. I was hanging around Adam's pool when Adam came out of the pool and poked me with his wet arm. He, in jest, noted that it looked like I had gained weight. I laughed it off but I thought I had noticed it too. I feared it would be something worse. It was only when Adam pointed it out, I knew I couldn't deny the facts anymore.

It was summer, no one got sick in the summer and I had missed my two last periods. I didn't want to admit what exactly this meant. I decided I would wait until I could talk to Jayden about it. I laughed off the weight gain with Adam and texted Jayden right away. Jayden had gotten a job that summer. He had temporarily won the battle with his father. He would be able to deferr his acceptance into university as long as he maintained a job that would support himself. It wasn't the ideal that Jayden had been going for. It was still his dream to travel Europe but he knew he needed money for that, or at least enough to pay for the plane ticket. I knew, in the deepest of his heart, if he could he would save the money and go right away, worrying about food and shelter only when it became a problem. He wouldn't however. He would stay here, at least for the next several months, because of me. If my suspecious were correct, Jayden would probably stay later.

I excused myself from the pool side and went into Jayden's room. I touched my stomach. I had no idea those first few weeks after James and I broke up. I remember my sister telling me to go to the doctor but I dismissed the idea as needing to get medical evidence. Tears began to fall down my face. How many times had I cried in these past months? Why now? Of all the times James and I had sex, why did I have to get pregnant now? I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to admit my life would be forever changed by the arrival of the baby. I didn't think about how people would advise me of my "choices." I didn't want to deal with the reactions. Only recently did I notice a decline in my mom and Shelly acting as if I was damaged goods. If my suspecions were correct, it would begin all over again. I wondered if I would ever to look at the child without thinking of him.

What about my hopes and dreams? I always imagined being married before having children. I knew that was a passing trend. There were a lot single mothers now and younger mothers too. I never noticed anyone in my high school becoming pregnant but I wasn't paying attention either. This would effect my plans of eventually going to school, getting a career. Suddenly, I had visions of working at Wal- Mart for the rest of my life. I told myself to calm down. Nothing was certain. Even if it was, it wasn't the end of the world. I stood up and wiped my eyes.

Another thought hit me as I began to open the door. James. Would I have to tell him? What if he wanted to be an active father? I made up my mind that moment. There was no way that he would be involved with this child. I would keep and protect this child from him at all costs. Taking another deep breath, I returned to the pool side. No one commented if it looked like I was crying but then again, as Alexia mentioned one night, it wasn't unusual for me to suddenly start crying.

Jayden called on his break. I was home at that point. As luck would have it, my entire family was out. I told Jayden my suspecions right away.

"I had those thoughts too, Sam," he said, "I didn't want to say anything since you know you better than I do."

"I need to go to the doctor now, don't I? It's not something I can ignore," I sighed, knowing how stupid I sounded.

"Unless you want the child coming out kicking and screaming," Jayden chuckled. I sighed again, "I'll take you to the clinic tomorrow, okay? I'll come over after work and keep your mind off it." I thanked him and we hung out. I went back to my room. I knew he was right. I needed to stop thinking about but now that someone else pointed it out, the possibility of a child was all I could think of.

I'm not sure if this is how the rest of the story is going to be played out. I mean, what, 35 pages in and *now* i'm introducing the main story? I don't know.

I WOULD APPRECIATE SOME FEEDBACK SO I HAVE SOME IDEA IF THIS STORY IS ANY GOOD OR IF IT'S TOTAL CRAP and by good, i don't mean it gives you the warm fuzzes, but I mean if it's believable. hell, a comment that says "i'm not reading this." would be nice. and maybe a comment as to an LJ community who could give me a feedback on my writng. then at least then i don't feel like i'm wasting my time.

Gone, pt. 6

2008-03-03T22:11:06Z

I finished the rest of pt 5 on Word. I should be uploading the new part to Booksie by the end of the week.

I hid in my room for the most of Sunday. My parents only were able to pull me out for a "family dinner," which I just picked at. I knew my mother knew something was up but she didn't push for any information. Throughout the day, my family members popped in my bedroom, telling me that someone called for me. Alexia called a couple of times, probably wanting to make amends from yesterday. I figured she was only calling because she saw me run out of Jayden's home. Jayden called several times too. Probably trying to figure out the grand mystery that was me. I didn't take a single one of those calls. I kept my cell phone off and I didn't go online. I didn't want to check my email or my instant messenger. I didn't want to deal with my life at all.

Monday I left the home early, avoiding the possibility of Alexia coming to pick me up. The last thing I wanted was to be cornered in the car, with the three people who didn't understand me at all. I could just see them asking questions, telling me it was time to "deal with it" and "move on." As if they had a clue what it felt like at all. It wasn't a normal break up. That whole relationship wasn't norma. It fell in fast with hot passionate love and broke apart, shattering. We didn't break up because we were tired, bored or no longer attracted to each other but because we were bad for each other. Those people in that car didn't understand in the slightest and until I could deal with the situation, I couldn't deal with my so called friends.

I came to the school really early. I decided to hide in the library until moments before the bell rang, that way if Alexia was feeling overly ambitious and decided to hang around my locker, she wouldn't be able to stick around. I knew I would be pushing my own luck to get to class on time, but I didn't really care.

The warning bell rang and I hurried to my locker. I kept my head down and hoped that Alexia wouldn't still be there. A part of me hoped she would be, showing me that I hadn't totally destoryed the friendship. I wished my thoughts made sense. James was standing at my locker instead. He leaned against the metal row, looking at the ground. The hallway was clearing around him. Everyone was disappearing to their class. I took a deep breath, trying to will my rapidly beating heart to calm down. I walked up to my locker. Maybe if I ignored him, he'd go away.

"Samantha, we need to talk," James said as I approached. I didn't answer right away, pretending to be focused on my lock, "14-42-36." It unnerved me that he rattled off those numbers so easily. It shouldn't have, I knew that, but I felt creeped out. I pulled out my history book before I spoke.

"I have class," my voice shook, "I can't talk right now."

"I'm tired too, Samantha," his voice was strong, almost as if he was reprimending a child, "I'm tired of the games. We need to talk this out."

"I have class," I repeated, staring mindlessly at the inside of my locker. I didn't want to look at him yet. I shut my locker and picked up my bag. James grabbed my arm. I whinced.

"Samantha, I know you have no problems skipping. Stop bullshitting me," James snapped.

"Let go," I said, hating myself for sounding so weak. I knew I could begin screaming and making a scene but the thought of explaining this, any of this, was too much. Yet the idea of going anywhere with James right now scared me too. I didn't know what idea was worse. I wished that anyone, Jayden, Adam or Alexia, would come and see what was going on but I found myself agreeing to skip history "just to talk" with James.

We went to the Donut Diner. It was just like the prior Saturday. He went in and ordered a box of Dibbles and some hot chocolate. He placed the Dibbles in between us. This time, however, he did not touch the food. I didn't even sip at my drink. My heart was pounding in my throat.

"This is stupid, Samantha," he said, "I don't enjoy being played with. How long have you been going out with this guy?"

"What guy?" I asked, "I'm not-" James rolled his eyes.

"Stop lying to me!" he cried. Tears welled up in my eyes, "Do you think I'm stupid? That I wouldn't find out? I know about the party but I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Then last night you ran to his arms. Did you think I wouldn't find out?" he stared at me, tears were now steaming down my face, "You told me you were mine, that you would wait for me while I figured stuff out. I'm not the one with the problem. If you weren't such a lying cheating whore, I wouldn't have to do what I do just to keep you around!"

"Then let me go if I'm so terrible!" I said. James leaned back in his seat and sighed.

"Damn it, Samantha, I love you. I love you. Why does that mean so little to you? Just because you seem incapable of love doesn't mean that I can't love you," I flinched. Was that really true? Why else would he say it? Was I really so cold hearted? I thought about how I treated Jayden, I treated my friends, how I really didn't care if I ever spoke to them again. Maybe I was just a cold hearted monster, "I don't want to lose you, Samantha. You are the best thing to happen to me."

"Just let me go," I sobbed, "I'm not worth this." James' look of anger melted away and sympathy replaced it. He pulled me close as he could and soothed my hair. He was gentle. He no longer seemed to be that monster he was only moments ago. He whispered how much he loved me and that he forgave me. Suddenly there was a knock on the window and James jumped.

"Who the hell are you?" he cried as he rolled down his window. I didn't look at the person. I didn't want to be seen. I felt so wrong being there, being me.

"Sam? Are you okay?" It sounded like Jayden's voice. I looked up. It was Jayden. I looked away. How could I look at him?

"Go away. No one asked you so butt out," James growled. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Jayden stiffen. He clearly wasn't expecting a response like that.

"Sam? Is everything okay?" he asked again. I shook my head. Nothing was okay. I wasn't okay. Jayden practically flew around the car and before James could react, Jayden opened my door. I stumbled out. I knew James wanted to reach out and grab me, hold me in but he didn't. Jayden slammed the door and wrapped his arm around me. James started the car.

"Samantha," he called to me, "We aren't finished yet," then he sped out of the parking. I began to sob again. I slid to my knees, crying as hard as I could. My entire body hurt. I didn't know who I hated more: James or myself.

I am debating. I have a very twisted mind. Today we were served with an affidavit regarding one of our clients and I have been thinking about this idea for a while now... James clearly isn't going to give up Samantha so easily. And a book about dealing with the after effects without James is just boring. If you want to read that, just read my journal. *rolls eyes* self loathing over, what if James started court proceedings against Samantha? Before you ask how... what if Samantha was pregnant? They were sexual together (consentual or not, another story) and I don't see James as the type of guy to limit his "pleasure" by using a condom... what if there is a little one in Sammie? I think James going for custody and whatnot would be interesting to do.. and realistic. Just I doubt my abilities to play Samantha's reaction to a child well enough.

Anyway, my muse for the day.

Gone, pt. 5

2008-02-28T22:14:48Z

"My parents hate me." I was curled up under my covers, trying to keep quiet. At 3:00 a.m. my cell phone rang. I grabbed it and mumbled a hello. Alexia had been surprised to see me and Jayden still at the school by the time she had finished, which was around seven in the evening. I hadn't even noticed how late it had gotten. Time always flew by when I was with Jayden. He seemed reluctent to call it a night so Jayden suggested that the three of us go out for dinner. Alexis smiled slyly at me. I ignored it. I was sure she was going to hint that Jayden was "into" me but I knew it wasn't the case. It was after midnight before I got home. So when my cell rang at three in the morning, I wasn't coherent enough to think maybe I should have just let it go to voicemail. It was James.

"I told them that I decided not to go back to school in September. I needed some time to figure stuff out. Especially how things ended up with us, Sammie, my focus is totally off. I need to improve myself for you and school clearly isn't what I need right now. But you know my parents, they think school is all important. They are told me that I am wasting my life and if I hadn't moved out when I did, they would have kicked me out," James paused, "Oh god, Sammie. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called but it was just instinct. I always went to you."

"It's okay," I said, trying to hide the monster yawn that was coming, "I told you. I'll be here for you. I care about you."

"Thank you Sammie. I know I couldn't make it without you," James sounded so sincere, "This week has been so hard. I just want to pull you into my arms and hold you. The apartment feels so empty without you. Nothing is the same without you. I do crazy things when you aren't around. Like decide going to my parents' for dinner was a good idea," he laughed, "I should be grateful that Brad wasn't there. He got accepted into law school, eh?" Brad was James' half brother. He was four years older than James and he was sort of the equalivent to Shelly: the perfect sibling. James' parent's adored Brad. He has life goals. He has a plan. James doesn't have a life goal; therefore, James, in his parents' opinion, is a screw up.

"Maybe Brad could help," I suddenly thought, "You are having some trouble getting into some anger management programs. Maybe Brad would have some leads?"

"I don't exactly want my family to know what happened," James replied, "It would just another thing that I mess up, wouldn't it? They asked where you were this evening. I told them that you were studying for a big test." For a moment, I felt uneasy about that. Wouldn't it be better that James told the truth? Maybe his famimly could help him. I pushed the thought out of my head. Knowing his parents, they would belittle him and blame him before helping him.

We talked some more. I thanked him for the flower and the candy. We talked about school. I mentioned the idea about moving out once I graduated. I knew the old James would have suggested that we move in together. This James just offered to give me some pointers when I was ready. I found myself relaxing as I spoke to him. It was like he was the James I first met. I didn't have to worry about every word that came out of my mouth. I knew I wouldn't have to worry about his reactions.

"Wow, it's almost four thirty," James suddenly said, "I ought to let you get some sleep, shouldn't I?" It was funny. I didn't nearly feel as sleepy as I did when I first reached for the phone.

"I suppose so," I didn't mention that I had plans to meet up with Alexia later that day. I knew it was going to be a struggle to meet up with her.

"Thanks again for listening, Sam," he said, "I love you."

"I love you too," I said. I waited until he hung up first then I slid my cell phone under the covers. I wasn't tired at all anymore. The last words left a bad taste in my mouth. I had meant them, didn't I? The memory of just repeating those words so he wouldn't get mad hit me. I remember one time we were laying on his bed, watching TV, and he whispered that he loved me. I remember how those words nestled on me like a warm blanket. I just wanted to keep those words close to me, without breaking the mood. He didn't share my sentiments and questioned why I didn't tell him that I loved him back. I tired to explain it to him but it just didn't make sense. He sulked. I rationalized his behaviour as thinking he was just feeling insecure and he probably liked hearing those words as much I did.

So what about now? I had no obligation to tell him that I loved him. I had no obligation to him at all. I didn't have to answer the phone nor did I have to talk to him for the hour and a half. Yet that didn't mean I didn't want to. I still cared for him. I closed my eyes. I hated the feeling of confusion that had come over me. It was only a week ago when I had confessed everything to my mother and best friend and there I was talking to him on the phone again. Did confessing everything mean I couldn't be his friend anymore? Did I have cut him out of my life completely? For a moment, I wished I could talk to someone- anyone- about this but I knew no one would understand. It was all black and white, like with what Jayden and I were talking about. James deserved a second chance.

As predicted, getting up to meet Alexia was incrediably hard. We agreed to meet for lunch at the mall. We had plans to do what we used to do every Saturday in grade seven. We would go to the food court, eat something incrediably junkie and greasy our parents would detest us buying and find a brench and park ourselves there for the afternoon. Alexia would sketch the people she found interesting, while I would make up little stories about them. Occassionally we would combine our works together into a notebook and give it to one of our mothers. Mrs. Dyonysius always loved our books. We would get a lecture about respecting others but I knew she was laughing at our creative observations as hard as we were.

I was nervous meeting up with Alexia. She could pretend on most days that things were back to normal with us. Yet there would be other times, when it was clear things had changed. Despite the fact Alexia had promised a fun filled afternoon, I knew we would have to discuss James. Alexia started the conversation right away. We were sitting in the middle of the mall, her sketch book on her lap, my notebook sat closed on mine.

"Jayden is nothing like James," Alexia said, "He would be a good distraction and proof that you deserve better than James," I didn't say anything at first. I didn't know what to say. I didn't like the comparison between Jayden and James. At first James seemed like a good guy too. He still was a good guy, "I don't mean you need to get into a serious relationship or anything right off the bat. Jayden would just keep your mind off James, you know?"

"I would perfer that you didn't speak about him like that," I snapped, "He's not an object or something to use. He's a nice guy." Alexia smiled at me.

"Then it's definitely more than just friends between you two!" she looked so triumph, as if my small statement clarified every strange feeling I had. I rolled my eyes and debated leaving. I wasn't in the mood to deal with her. I knew if Adam was there, he would just be gushing with ways to hook the two of us together. I didn't want to travel down that road.

"No, Alexia," I said slowly, "I can't just wipe away my feelings for James," Alexia immediately looked annoyed, "I know, okay? You don't understand. I mean, you know what he was like at the beginning; he was caring, considerate, sweet, funny and smart. He was my dream. Things got out of control between us-" Alexia cut me off, looking furious now.

"Out of control is getting drunk every weekend and waking up with a new guy every morning. Out of control is failing out of high school. Out of control is everything that your relationship wasn't. He was in control. Of every aspect! How many times do you think Adam called me, worrying about you? He couldn't call you because you wouldn't talk to him. You wouldn't hang out with him or, hell, even look at him because of James. You never went anywhere without James and if, in the rare event, that you did, you were constantly checking your cell phone, texting him. You were like his little dog that he enjoyed to kick around and, what's worse, you allowed it! You sat there, smiled and let him use you like that and now you say it was 'out of control?' Stop deluding yourself, Samantha! It wasn't 'out of control!' James knew exactly what he was doing and he didn't care. He doesn't care! He is not love with you! He was never in love with you!" Alexia was not standing in front of me, yelling. Shoppers walked back, staring back at us. Tears filled my eyes. I shoved my notebook in my bag and pushed past Alexia.

As I ran, I grabbed my cell out of my bag and I dialed a number.

"I can't do this anymore!" I cried, trying to choke back a sob. A part of me wondered if I should worry if Alexia was following me, trying to make things better but I knew that wasn't the case. It just wasn't Alexia's way.

"Do what?"

"This. Live like thiing. Going on with my life as if everything is okay, as if my life hasn't been shattered into a million pieces. I love you so much and no one care. No one tries to even understand. I wish this never happened! I wish it didn't hurt so much!"

"I'm coming for you. We will work through this. Where are you?" I told him and went outside. The air was springlike, which made me cry that much harder. Love was always in the air when it was springtime. Happiness was in the air. The hope of summertime and lazy days was just around the corner and there I was, wiping my nose on my sleeve and trying to stop the tears. People walked by, looking at me as if I was crazy.

I felt so grateful when I saw James' red sports car zip up next to the curb. I jumped in. He drove off. He didn't speak. He didn't need to. He understood I needed time to calm down. He understood me. He was the only person in my sorry life even tried to understand me.

We drove to his apartment. By that point I had stopping crying. My head was pounding, as it usually did when I cried this hard. We entered his living room. I noticed his bedroom door was shut. The place looked the same. It was like nothing had changed. There were pictures of us on his coffee table, the big sticky note with the words "I LOVE YOU" was still on the fridge door and, I bet if I could have seen into his bedroom, the big white teddy bear I had given him was still on his bed. I sat down on his couch. James sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. We sat quietly on the couch for a while.

"Talk to me?" his voice was sofe. I shook my head, my hair falling across my face.

"What can I say? This week has been a living hell," I said, "I want my life to go back how it was. Before last weekend, before several months ago when we were still good. When things hadn't fallen apart." Suddenly my cell phone rang. It was my home number. I sighed and answered it.

"Where are you?" My mother shrieked into the phone, "Alexia called, saying you two had a fight in the mall and that you took off."

"Relax, mom," I sighed impatiently. I wondered if Alexia had told mom why we had been fighting, "I'm at Jayden's."

"Don't be out late." I hung up the phone.

"Who's Jayden?" James asked next to me. I sighed.

"A friend," I replied. I looked at my ex- boyfriend. He raised his eyebrow, as if he didn't believe me. I knew what was coming.

"A friend? How come I've never heard of him?" he demanded, "Come on, Sam, don't think that I'm an idoit. You suddenly have this new boyfriend? It hasn't been even a week," he sighed, "Once a slut, always a slut, I suppose." I stood up, my heart pounding.

"Fuck you, James," I spat out, "and while you are doing that, go to hell." I ran out of the apartment. Instead of taking the elevator, as he would assume I would, I ran down the stairs and went out the back away. First Alexia, then James, it was too much. I felt lost and alone. My mind travelled back to Jayden. To what my mother was expectin. To what James had said.

I remember the first time we had sex. We had only been going out for a month. It was a magical moment. It wasn't anything special. He hadn't rented a hotel or anything. His parents had gone out for the night and one thing had lead to another. I never regretted giving it up so early in the relationship. I believed I was in love with him at that point already. Yet it wasn't until months later, when he and I were agruing he told me he thought it was a little slutty of me giving it up so easily. He would make those digs in every once in a while, how I had given it away to early, how I was a slut, a whore. Somethings when he was really in a spiteful mood, he'd call me his bitch. It tainted the magic of the first experience. I used to wonder if what he was saying true. Maybe I should have waited longer, but I had believed he was the one.

Now I wasn't so sure if he was. At that moment, I didn't really believe that James would ever change. He didn't even give me the opportunity to explain Jayden. Not that I would have told him that we had kissed. Still I had thought, even in that week, James would have learnt to think first and talk later. I could feel my cell phone buzzing in my pocket. I knew it was James, probably demanding that I go back so we could "talk." He always wanted to talk. I was done with talking. James would need to prove to me he had changed. I turned off my cell.

So now what? Jayden. My thoughts all went back to Jayden. He was about the whole day, wasn't he? Alexia started about Jayden. James was upset about Jayden. My thoughts kept going back to him. I needed to see Adam's cousin. It was going to be a long walk but I didn't care. It would be worth it.

i'm still working on this part... check back for more later :P

EDIT: Blah!! I'm still working on this part. my thoughts are a bit of a mess. my creative flow seems to halt every time Sam and James talk on the phone. well, good for her, finally, i guess. now i'm just debating what to do now... any comments, thoughts or suggestions would be nice. or if you want to stop seeing me post this, commenting that would be good too.

Gone, pt. 4.1

2008-02-26T19:53:03Z

All week James would leave little notes in my locker. I never saw him around the school but in some way, I found it comforting to have those little touches every morning. One day he left me a white rose and another day was a bag of Hersey Kisses. He left me notes, letting me know how he was progressing. He said that he tried to get into a couple of programs for anger management but they weren't accepting any new clients, unless it was court ordered. He said he was still looking into it, that he wasn't going to give up so easily.

It wasn't hard to hide the little surprises from Alexia. She would pick me up every day. We would walk into the school together, her arm around me, asking how I was holding up. I would tell her I was okay, that I was dealing with it. She would smile at me then sprint off to class. On Monday, I had waited for her after school. It was Jayden who told me she was working on some big art project every day after school for a while. At first I felt hurt that Alexia hadn't told me but then again I wasn't there. Every day after school Jayden would walk with me home. It was a long walk but with spring in the air and the constant stream of good conversation, it was pleasant. Jayden and I never ran out of things to talk about. At first, I was nervous. I was worried what James would say if he saw Jayden and I together but after the first couple of days, I was able to push it out of my mind for the most part. Especially when James' letters made no reference to Jayden, I figured he had no idea about my new friendship. In a weird way, I almost felt like I was cheating on James with Jayden. I knew that was silly because James and I weren't a couple at the moment and except for what happened at the party, Jayden had shown no romantic interest in me. I chalked it up to all the doubt and the accusations James used to make when we were dating.

After school Friday, Jayden said he was going to wait for Alexia to finish and get a ride off her. It had been pouring all day and I hadn't been looking forward to the walk home. I suppose I could have taken the bus but it didn't seem like much of an option. As mean as it sounded, I hated being surrounded by the younger freshmen. Adam had managed to mooch a ride off of someone else who apparently didn't have room for anyone else.

"Sam, why don't you stick around? I'm playing to go to the music room and sneak out one of their guitars," he winked at me, "I hear you are quite the writer. Maybe I could peek at your writings and put music to them," we began to walk, "I'm good with making up music on the spot but lyrics? Never. I can't come up with a grouping of words in a clear sense if my life depended on them. But rumours say you are a magician with words." I blushed. My writing was, for the most part, private. My parents had taken little interest in it. A few teachers encouraged me to submit my writings to contests and occassionally I would. I had dreams of being published but at this point, I was content with keeping my writing to myself.

"I don't write songs," I protested, "My poems are more of free verse than anything else." I pulled my notebook out of my bag. It's one of those black and white composition books that are common on TV. The unoriginality of the book amused me when I purchased it. Now it was almost filled with random thoughts and poems. Jayden took it out of my hand. We had stopped outside the music room door. He made no intention to go inside but started flipping through the book. He stopped on the last page and began to read softly.

"He holds me down
rough and strong
and pulls out the blade
I cannot react when the light hits the hilt
he smiles so sweetly
and I relaxed

"He plunges the knife in
and blood gushes out
I see the red reflect in your eyes
I look questioningly
he bleeds me out
until I’m almost gone

"Now he wraps up my arm
and pulls me in close
hugs and kisses
and whispered, “I love you”s
I feel so warm in his embrace
this is the man I love

"I know he’ll never do it again
he gave me his word, his vow
he loves me with all his heart
he doesn’t want to hurt me
he is truly sorry
I believe him completely

"Time rolls past
and he holds me down
but I know he truly loves me," Jayden paused and looked at me, "You seem like such a mystery to me, Sam," he finally said. I knew my face was red. I hated having my poems read outloud and especially those from recent months. My poems seemed to have understood more what was going on around me that I did. Or they could freely confess the truth, while I was denying it with everything I had.

"What do you mean?" I asked, not making eye contact with him.

"There is this aspect of you that doesn't seem to match the rest. Like this poem. Or how your friends elude to the fact that you went through some tough things but don't explain. It seems to be complete opposite of this pure and sunshine girl I see walking around the school."

"What?" I exclaimed, "You think of me as pure?" It sounded ridiculous. When I thought of pure, I thought of someone who was a virgin, who was happy, who was perfect, someone who hadn't been hurt by someone who abused them. That person would have known better.

"Yeah... I mean..." Jayden looked uncomfortable, "You seem like the type of girl I could take home to my dad and know he'll approve," he misread the look on my face, "I mean, I see you walk around the school, acting so cheery with your friends, being friendly with the teachers, thanking the lunch lady, just this over all friendly girl but it doesn't seem to match up. I mean, you decided not to go to post secondary. Every friendly girl does. You write this poem. Doesn't the friendly girl usually write about sunshine and lollipops and getting asked to the prom?" I laughed.

"Only on TV," I responded, "Not everyone is so black and white. Look at you with your rocker clothing, piercings and what not. Does it mean that you are also a druggie? That you cut yourself just to feel?" Jayden smiled at me, understanding my point exactly. Not everyone was so black and white.

Jayden got up and grabbed the accustic guitar from the music room. I thought about James. My parents always thought of him as black and white. They didn't really approve of him. They didn't like that he was an outsider; they thought it meant that he was hiding things. They didn't like that he was older, they thought it meant that he wanted to take adventage of me. They didn't like that he was in university in a general program; they thought he would have no direction or drive. Now they didn't like the fact that he had hurt me; they thought he couldn't change. They never gave him the chance to prove himself. He was more than just that. He was creative, he wanted to be involved with everything because everything fasinated him. That's why he was taking a general degree. He didn't want to tie himself to one path. He wanted to learn everything. Sort of like Jayden, I thought. He wanted to know everything before he decided on his path too, just Jayden wanted to take a different route to learn everything.

"My parents hate me." I was curled up under my covers, trying to keep quiet. At 3:00 a.m. my cell phone rang. I grabbed it and mumbled a hello. Alexia had been surprised to see me and Jayden still at the school by the time she had finished, which was around seven in the evening. I hadn't even noticed how late it had gotten. Time always flew by when I was with Jayden. He seemed reluctent to call it a night so Jayden suggested that the three of us go out for dinner. Alexis smiled slyly at me. I ignored it. I was sure she was going to hint that Jayden was "into" me but I knew it wasn't the case. It was after midnight before I got home. So when my cell rang at three in the morning, I wasn't coherent enough to think maybe I should have just let it go to voicemail. It was James.

"I told them that I decided not to go back to school in September. I needed some time to figure stuff out. Especially how things ended up with us, Sammie, my focus is totally off. I need to improve myself for you and school clearly isn't what I need right now. But you know my parents, they think school is all important. They are told me that I am wasting my life and if I hadn't moved out when I did, they would have kicked me out," James paused, "Oh god, Sammie. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called but it was just instinct. I always went to you."

"It's okay," I said, trying to hide the monster yawn that was coming, "I told you. I'll be here for you. I care about you."

"Thank you Sammie. I know I couldn't make it without you," James sounded so sincere, "This week has been so hard. I just want to pull you into my arms and hold you. The apartment feels so empty without you. Nothing is the same without you. I do crazy things when you aren't around. Like decide going to my parents' for dinner is a good idea," he laughed, "I should be grateful that Brad wasn't there. He got accepted into law school, eh?" Brad was James' half brother. He was four years older than James and he was sort of the equalivent to Shelly: the perfect sibling. James' parent's adored Brad. He had life goals. He had a plan. James didn't have a life goal; therefore, James, in his parents' opinion, was a screw up.

"Maybe Brad could help," I suddenly thought, "You are having some trouble getting into some anger management programs. Maybe Brad would have some leads?"

"I don't exactly want my family to know what happened," James replied, "It would just another thing that I mess up, wouldn't it? They asked where you were this evening. I told them that you were studying for a big test." We talked some more. I thanked him for the flower and the candy. We talked about school. I mentioned the idea about moving out once I graduated. I knew the old James would have suggested that we move in together right away. This James just offered to give me some pointers. I found myself relaxing as I spoke to him. It was like he was the James I first met. I didn't have to worry about every word that came out of my mouth. I knew I wouldn't have to worry about his reactions.

"Wow, it's almost four thirty," James suddenly said, "I ought to let you get some sleep, shouldn't I?" It was funny. I didn't nearly feel as sleepy as I did when I first reached for the phone.

"I suppose so," I didn't mention that I had plans to meet up with Alexia later that day. I knew it was going to be a struggle to meet up with her.

"Thanks again for listening, Sam," he said, "I love you."

"I love you too," I said. I waited until he hung up first then I slid my cell phone under the covers. I wasn't tired at all anymore. The last words left a bad taste in my mouth. I had meant them, didn't I? The memory of just repeating those words so he wouldn't get mad hit me. I remember one time we were laying on his bed, watching TV, and he whispered that he loved me. I remember how those words nestled on me like a warm blanket. I just wanted to keep those words close to me, without breaking the mood. He didn't share my sentiments and questioned why I didn't tell him that I loved him back. I tired to explain it to him but it just didn't make sense. He sulked. I rationalized his behaviour as thinking he was just feeling insecure and he probably liked hearing those words as much I did.

So what about now? I had no obligation to tell him that I loved him. I had no obligation to him at all. I didn't have to answer the phone nor did I have to talk to him for the hour and a half. Yet that didn't mean I didn't want to. I still cared for him. I closed my eyes. I hated the feeling of confusion that had come over me. It was only a week ago when I had confessed everything to my mother and best friend and there I was talking to him on the phone again. Did confessing everything mean I couldn't be his friend anymore? Did I have cut him out of my life completely? For a moment, I wished I could talk to someone- anyone- about this but I knew no one would understand. It was all black and white, like with what Jayden and I were talking about. James deserved a second chance.

As predicted, getting up to meet Alexia was incrediably hard. We agreed to meet for lunch at the mall. We had plans to do what we used to do every Saturday in grade seven. We would go to the food court, eat something incrediably junkie and greasy our parents would detest us buying and find a brench and park ourselves there for the afternoon. Alexia would sketch the people she found interesting, while I would make up little stories about them. Occassionally we would combine our works together into a notebook and give it to one of our mothers. Mrs. Dyonysius always loved our books. We would get a lecture about respecting others but I knew she was laughing at our creative observations as hard as we were.

FYI- i'm still working on this part. i need more ideas. i also need to know how this flows and what you think of the whole sam/ jayden stuff.

I need to edit up my booksie version of "Gone"

Edit: Okay... i lied. It's 1040p.m. and i was going to work on part four but i realized it was good enough... so enter part five. so that's still in progress.

Gone, pt. 4

2008-02-25T04:02:50Z

Okay. I lied. I can't stop working on "Gone." I just can't. It's working stuff out for me. So just as a warning, my writing may be weird until I can finish that (and possibly finish Lavender.) I obviously need to work stuff out.

I was dreaming. James and I were walking home from school. It was the first real snowfall of the winter. It wasn't melting on the ground but actually sticking to the ground. There was almost a foot of snow. I loved playing in snow. I gently pushed James. He smiled at me and gently pusehd back. I thought it would be fun for him and I to play in the snow so I gently pushed back. He pulled me close. I suggested to him to play. I remembered I had an old sledge in the house somewhere, that we coudl go sledging. I hadn't done that in years. I had a fanasty that after, we would return back to his place and have hot chocolate and cuddle for warmth. It was a cozy thought. James said he didn't really want to. I pouted and gently pushed him again. He shoved me and I fell down. I sat there for a moment, stunned. It must have been an accident, I decided. I bushed off my pants as I stood up. It must have been a slippery spot. James would never be rough with me. He put his arm around me and we continuing walking.

It wasn't just a dream. It was a memory. As I sat up in bed, I tried to remember how long we had been going out for. We started dating in November. So it had to be sometime in December. Had the abuse started that early? I kicked off my sheets. It was Monday. I had to get ready for school. As I brushed my teeth, I thought about the dream. It had to be a mistake, I told myself. He wasn't like that at first. I don't think he really started losing control until six months into the relationship. Or maybe it was always there and I just never noticed. Maybe I always just made excuses for it.

Just as I finished getting dressed, I heard my mother call to me that my ride was here. I froze. He always used to pick me up and drive me to school. He said it was because he didn't want me to walk to school or take the school bus, that he was just trying to help me. Sometimes, especially near the end, it felt more like he wanted to know where I was at all times. There would be days, I remembered, he would hang out around the school, so he could see me in between classes. I never complained. He would always be there at lunch, usually bringing me something. I thought it was sweet of him. Unless he had an important class, he would be there. I remember there were times I asked him not to come, I needed the lunch period to meet with some classmates to work on a project. He'd come anyway.

I peeked out the front window. Alexia's car sat in the driveway. I released the breath I didn't know I was holding. Why would I think it would be him? We were broken up. We were taking a break. He was giving me space. He was taking the time needed to better himself. I called bye to my mother and hopped into the backseat of the car. Adam was sitting upfront and Jayden was in the back. Alexia was, of course, driving. Adam turned around in his seat and grinned at me.

"So there are some rumours floating around that you two are an item," Adam said. I felt horrified. I could just imagine what would happen if he found out. He would be furious. I wouldn't blame him. I would have been so hurt if he hooked up with someone right after we broke up, especially since we had plans to get together again. He would be so hurt. Jayden was laughing beside me.

"Call the dogs off, Adam," he said, "Not true. Not a bit of it." Adam looked sad. Alexia laughed too.

"Told you last night it couldn't be true," Alexia said, giggling. I felt muted and looked out the window. I didn't like that people, even my friends, were talking about me and another guy so soon. I felt so uncomfortable. I didn't feel as if I even belonged in the car. I was glad that Alexia decided to ask as if nothing happened but still. I felt sadden as the realization that things between me and my friends would never be the same.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a red sports car sped past us. It looked exactly like his car.

"Did you just see that?" I asked. Alexia snorted.

"Loser," she muttered. No one mentioned the similarity between the speeding car and James' car. I was probably just imaging things. There was a constant flow of conversation in the car. I remained muted.

In the parking lot of the school, I felt so exposed. Was he around, watching? Why would he be watching? He had other things to do. He wouldn't be stalking me. He had other things to do. He was getting his own life together. Another reason why I felt exposed was I wondering if people knew? Did they know what happened Friday night? Know about all the nights before? Would people just know?

Adam and Jayden walked ahead. Alexia slowed and walked with me.

"You okay?" she asked, her tone hushed. I shook my head. I couldn't do this. I couldn't go into that building. Not after everything. What would happen when people started asking why he wasn't around? I wondered if people were talking because he was always around. I just wanted to go home. No, what I wanted was James. I wanted him back to how he used to be. I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be okay, without the fear that he was going to suddenly change into that monster who had no problem slapping me, who blamed his bursts of anger on me, who said if I had simply loved him and acted like I did, he wouldn't have to those things. I missed that person.

Alexia put her arm around me, "It's okay. We'll do this one step at a time. I'll be here for you." I smiled. I was glad to hear it. I was glad to have my best friend back.

We parted ways as we entered the building. Alexia and I didn't have our lockers together for the first time in our high school career. We hadn't gone together to get our locks as we usually did. I couldn't remember if we were even speaking at that time. I guess it didn't matter. I opened my locker to grab my textbooks for my first class. I looked around. I didn't notice anyone looking at me differently. Maybe no one knew. My fears had been silly.

A piece of paper fell out of my history text book. I picked it up; "Samantha" was written in James' writing. Had he slid it in my book last week? I tried to remember if I had brought, or even opened, my history text book lately. I didn't think so. Of course, he had my locker combination, so it was a possibility that he had put it in there Friday night before it all happened, in order to give me a "pleasant" surprise on Monday. That was probably it.

I unfolded it, wondering what his last written words to me would be.

"I'm sorry. I know you asked for space and I'm trying. I miss you so much. I have spent all weekend thinking about you. I have researched my behaviours and I know what my problem is. I'm looking into some programs to learn to get my behaviours under control. I cannot lose you. I would do anything to keep you in my life. I don't expect you to return this letter or anything. I don't expect you to call or text me. I'll understand if you don't. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and miss you. I have your picture on my desk and it gives me strength. For however long this takes, I'll wait for you. I'll give you all the time you need. You are precious to me and I never want to hurt you again. My Samantha, I love you."

Had he came to the school early this morning? Was he still here? Was he watching me? I slammed my locker door shut, shoving the letter in my bag. I looked around me, wondering if I would be able to see him. My heart was pounding. I wondered if I should mention the letter to Alexia. I immediately decided against it. That would simply be inviting more trouble in my life.

The bell rang, signalng only a few minutes until class began. I picked up my pace as I pushed my way through the crowds. I found that my focus had changed. I wasn't looking to see if people were talking about me. I didn't care if they looked at me, as if they knew. I had to check to see if he was there, watching me.

Gone, pt. 4

2008-02-22T18:23:11Z

I was dreaming. James and I were walking home from school. It was the first real snowfall of the winter. It wasn't melting on the ground but actually sticking to the ground. There was almost a foot of snow. I loved playing in snow. I gently pushed James. He smiled at me and gently pusehd back. I thought it would be fun for him and I to play in the snow so I gently pushed back. He pulled me close. I suggested to him to play. I remembered I had an old sledge in the house somewhere, that we coudl go sledging. I hadn't done that in years. I had a fanasty that after, we would return back to his place and have hot chocolate and cuddle for warmth. It was a cozy thought. James said he didn't really want to. I pouted and gently pushed him again. He shoved me and I fell down. I sat there for a moment, stunned. It must have been an accident, I decided. I bushed off my pants as I stood up. It must have been a slippery spot. James would never be rough with me. He put his arm around me and we continuing walking.

It wasn't just a dream. It was a memory. As I sat up in bed, I tried to remember how long we had been going out for. We started dating in November. So it had to be sometime in December. Had the abuse started that early? I kicked off my sheets. It was Monday. I had to get ready for school. As I brushed my teeth, I thought about the dream. It had to be a mistake, I told myself. He wasn't like that at first. I don't think he really started losing control until six months into the relationship. Or maybe it was always there and I just never noticed. Maybe I always just made excuses for it.

Just as I finished getting dressed, I heard my mother call to me that my ride was here. I froze. He always used to pick me up and drive me to school. He said it was because he didn't want me to walk to school or take the school bus, that he was just trying to help me. Sometimes, especially near the end, it felt more like he wanted to know where I was at all times. There would be days, I remembered, he would hang out around the school, so he could see me in between classes. I never complained. He would always be there at lunch, usually bringing me something. I thought it was sweet of him. Unless he had an important class, he would be there. I remember there were times I asked him not to come, I needed the lunch period to meet with some classmates to work on a project. He'd come anyway.

I peeked out the front window. Alexia's car sat in the driveway. I released the breath I didn't know I was holding. Why would I think it would be him? We were broken up. We were taking a break. He was giving me space. He was taking the time needed to better himself. I called bye to my mother and hopped into the backseat of the car. Adam was sitting upfront and Jayden was in the back. Alexia was, of course, driving. Adam turned around in his seat and grinned at me.

"So there are some rumours floating around that you two are an item," Adam said. I felt horrified. I could just imagine what would happen if he found out. He would be furious. I wouldn't blame him. I would have been so hurt if he hooked up with someone right after we broke up, especially since we had plans to get together again. He would be so hurt. Jayden was laughing beside me.

"Call the dogs off, Adam," he said, "Not true. Not a bit of it." Adam looked sad. Alexia laughed too.

"Told you last night it couldn't be true," Alexia said, giggling. I felt muted and looked out the window. I didn't like that people, even my friends, were talking about me and another guy so soon. I felt so uncomfortable. I didn't feel as if I even belonged in the car. I was glad that Alexia decided to ask as if nothing happened but still. I felt sadden as the realization that things between me and my friends would never be the same.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a red sports car sped past us. It looked exactly like his car.

"Did you just see that?" I asked. Alexia snorted.

"Loser," she muttered. No one mentioned the similarity between the speeding car and James' car. I was probably just imaging things. There was a constant flow of conversation in the car. I remained muted.

In the parking lot of the school, I felt so exposed. Was he around, watching? Why would he be watching? He had other things to do. He wouldn't be stalking me. He had other things to do. He was getting his own life together. Another reason why I felt exposed was I wondering if people knew? Did they know what happened Friday night? Know about all the nights before? Would people just know?

Adam and Jayden walked ahead. Alexia slowed and walked with me.

"You okay?" she asked, her tone hushed. I shook my head. I couldn't do this. I couldn't go into that building. Not after everything. What would happen when people started asking why he wasn't around? I wondered if people were talking because he was always around. I just wanted to go home. No, what I wanted was James. I wanted him back to how he used to be. I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be okay, without the fear that he was going to suddenly change into that monster who had no problem slapping me, who blamed his bursts of anger on me, who said if I had simply loved him and acted like I did, he wouldn't have to those things. I missed that person.

Alexia put her arm around me, "It's okay. We'll do this one step at a time. I'll be here for you." I smiled. I was glad to hear it. I was glad to have my best friend back.

History was my first class of the day. I took my usual seat at the back of the class. I remembered a time when Alexia and picked all the same courses so we could be in the same classes. We hadn't done that for senior year. I remembered that I picked out my classes with James. He thought I should focus more in the liberal arts, like English and History because that was where my strengths were. I thought I should continue with at least one science, so not to close any doors but in the end I agreed with James. This term I was hardly putting any focus in my classes and I was still doing relatively okay. I guess it didn't matter anymore. I wasn't continuing my education now anyway.

My cell phone vibrated. I pulled it out of my bag. I used to spend so much time in class texting to James.

"I miss you." It was James. I hesitated over the reply button.
"Me too. In history. Bored." I responded and sent it.
"I miss you. Can I see you?" I paused.
"Meet me at the beginning of next period. Got to be back for lunch."
"See you then."

um... I have writer's block. I don't like where this is going anymore. I'm stuck. :(

I'm debating ending it at Part One. Also thinking about continuing it her going back to James and have it go worse before she finally breaks away. Maybe touch on some of the legal issues, issues of dependability, unable to get away, maybe pregnancy. Or elminating the above, and deal with stalker issues and legal issues. Or eliminating the above and just dealing with her "getting over" the relationship. Focus on repairing her life, her friendships. I don't know.

For those who are curious about all my talking about Lavender, I have posted that and "Gone" at Booksie.com. Please comment on them!

Also, if you'll like, please give me guidance on the above. I <3 comments.

Also. I feel fat.

Gone, pt.3

2008-02-21T21:18:37Z

I loved my room. I had redocorated it a couple of years ago in lavenders and deep purples. The walls were white, with just the lightest hint of purple in them. I used to keep fresh flowers in my room and at night, I used to keep candles lit. My room was my hide away from the world. Yet since I started dating him, I didn't keep my room in the same condition I used to. I couldn't remember the last time I got flowers for myself, or lit a candle just to enjoy the flickering light.

I looked around my purple haven. I needed to cleanse the room. I went over to my bullentin board. Last years exam schedule was still up, but hidden by photos of me and James. I knew I needed to remove all reminders of him. I had to start clean. I pulled off the first photo. We were both in our uniforms. Alexia had taken this picture on the date we celebrated our first month of dating. James had his arms wrapped around me, and I was snuggled into his arms, smiling. That was when things were still good. Alexia and I were still best friends and she liked James for the most part. I tossed the photograph on the bed. I grabbed another. James had snapped a picture of me, almost doubled over laughing. We were at an amusement park that day, and it was amazing fun. Just he and I went and we had ridden every ride in the park, and we were going to go a second time but James ended up puking everywhere. We promised each other we would go again but we never did. That photo went on the bed too. I grabbed another one. It was just a headshot of James, smiling. I couldn't remember when I had taken that photo. Another photo was of the pair of us, posing on his mother's couch. She wanted a picture of her son and "future daughter-in-law." There was another picture of James and I in the class prom pose from his senior formal. I wore a pale yellow dress and he had on a suit. There were so many good memories of that dance. We danced together with most of the songs. We had fun with our friends. I remember Alexia was so jealous because she wasn't able to go, because it was only open to seniors and she wasn't able to get a date with a senior. I took so many photos for her and told it would probably be exactly the same when we went. As I put the photo down, I realized I never showed her those photos. Our friendship was really strained at that point. I didn't really have time for her, he was taking up a lot of my time, and when he wasn't, I was studying for the finals.

I took off a couple of more photos. I had posted some letters James had written me. There was even a dried lily on there he had given me once for no reason. I remembered when he used to buy me things for no reason whatsoever oppose to buying me flowers as an apology for his actions. I knew I needed to find a box to put all these things in. A big box, I decided. I knew I would have to put away all the stuffed animals that he had given me too. Plus all the clothes he had gotten me. All the ticket stubs from the movies and concerts we had gone too. I would need a huge box. I didn't want to go through all that right now. I didn't want to relive the flood of memories. I pushed the photos off the bed and sat down.

I would also have to go through my emails and all my saved conversations with him. For some reason I had saved every single one. I wondered what I would do with those. Could I simply delete them? I would also need to erase all the text messages I had received from him and all the photos on my cell phone. There were memories of him everywhere. I would have to change my status on MySpace and Facebook. How soon would be too soon to change the status? Would he be upset if I did that this weekend? Probably. Besides it wasn't like we were forever broken up anyway. This was a break. He would do what he would have to in order to become the guy I fell in love with originally. Once he got his anger under control everything would be fine. Maybe I would wait a bit before changing my status to single.

Shawna burst into my room. She paused as she looked at the photos scattered across the floor. She raised an eyebrow. Shawna was definitely dressed to go to a party. She wore a tiny skirt and a halter top. I knew if dad saw it he would defintely would make her change, yet our mother remained quiet on Shawna's party clothes. Maybe because it was Shawna. She was the baby of the family, after all.

"I heard what happened," she said, flopping on my bed. She said it so casually, like she heard that I simply failed a test or something. I wondered exactly how much she heard. Shawna was super absorbed in her own world. She might have simply heard that we had broken up. Maybe she didn't hear the reasons why, "I think mom and dad are overreacting. You need to stop focusing on it and have some fun. I was invited to a senior party tonight and I totally think you ought to come."

"How did you get invited to a senior party?" I asked. I didn't think sophmore's were invited often. Shawna smiled.

"Leena's boyfriend's sister is a senior," Leena was Shawna's best friend, "Come on, I'll even play make over with you." Shawn pouted at me. I stood up and nodded. What was my other option? Sit here and go through all the things that reminded me of him? To constantly be reliving our memories together?

Shawna grinned and bounced over to my closet. I warned her I didn't want to look as slutty as she did. My little sister glared at me and informed me that she had someone in mind and she wouldn't normally dress like this. I rolled my eyes. Shawna didn't go to parties often. I know she perferred the quiet gatherings of her friends, or of her date but when she did go out, she always dressed like that.

Shawna pulled out a pair of low cut dark blue jeans and tossed them on the bed. I looked at them. I hadn't worn them since I started to date him. He always thought they were a little skanky and gave the wrong impression about me. I had brought them once with Alexia. She thought it made me look sexy. I wondered if they would be too big on me know. Shawna frowned at me.

"Your shirt selection sucks," she announced and eyeballed me, "You are so tiny now. I bet you could fit into some of my clothes." She bounced back to her room. I pulled my cell phone from the closet and quickly deleted all his messages. I decided not to delete his phone number. Doing that would be too final. Shawna came back in with an armful of clothes. Shelly was behind her.

"What's going on?" Shelly asked, looking between us. Shawna pulled out a long jean skirt from the pile and paired it with a dark blue silk sleeveless shirt. She pushed it against me and mused for a moment.

"We are going to give our Sammi some real help. She needs fun right now," Shawna winked at me. Shelly opened her mouth to protest but left my room instead.

"This seems perfect. Dressy, casual and suggestive," she pronounced. I put it on and let Shawna do my makeup without protest. She made my hair shiny. I stared at myself in my mirror. I looked different than I did last night. I looked like a different person. I looked more like how I used. I felt strong. This would be the first time I would be going out since we started dating. It felt sort of freeing to go out with him. I knew I wouldn't have to worry how he would react or anything. I knew I wouldn't have to report into him the next day. He wouldn't attack my fun. I smiled at Shawna.

We left soon after. We met up with her friends at Leena's house. It was obvious that some were pre- drinking. Then we headed to the rich part of the city. I asked who's party it was. Shawna said it was Kelly Stevenson's party. I knew Kelly. She was pretty and popular. She hated Alexia with a passion, and I always assumed by default she hated me. We were paired in science class together this term. She wasn't never overly friendly but she definitely didn't hold that same distain for me that she had for Alexia. I wondered how Kelly would feel about me crashing her party but then I figured if my sister's friends could go, there would be too many people there for her to notice me.

The manison was full of students. I noticed some freshmen were there too, looking nervous. I noticed the freshmen who were there looked awfully drunk too. I didn't recall going to any drinking parties in my freshmen year. I was never interested in those type of parties. I still wasn't. Shawna seemed to disappear into the crowd right away, leaving me alone. I began to doubt my decision to come.

"Samantha!" a voice called to me. Adam came running up to me. In grade nine, Alexia, Adam and I were inseparatable. The only time we were apart was when we had different classes and we did everything we could to stay together. In tenth grade, Adam joined the drama group. He hung out with us a lot but not as much as he used to. It wasn't until I began to date James did our friendship really crumble. Adam was one of those friends that made him uncomfortable for me to hang out with. That didn't mean that Adam never tried to keep in touch with me. I wondered if Adam knew what was happening the whole time but didn't say anything. Adam pulled me into a hug. I felt myself stiffen. Old habits were kicking in. He wouldn't like it. He would become jealous, accuse me of cheating on him. He wasn't here, I tried to assure myself, and we weren't together anymore. Besides it was just an innocent hug. That's all. There was no reason for him to be upset.

"Where's James?" Adam asked.

"We..." I paused, "We broke up." Adam smiled at me.

"Finally! Now I can have my Sammi back!" Adam wrapped his arm around my shoulders and began to lead me through the crowd, "I must introduce you to my cousin! He just moved here and I know you two will just click!" Adam pushed me towards who, I assumed, was his cousin. He had long brown hair, dark brown eyes and had a rocker look to him. Both his eyebrow and his lip was pierced. I wouldn't have been surprised to find out if other parts were was well. He looked uncomfortable. Adam smiled at me again and disappeared into the crowd. Adam had always loved to play matchmaker.

"Jayden," his cousin said, shaking my hand.

"Samantha," I replied, smiling nervously.

"I've been here for a week and Adam keeps throwing girls at me," he smiled, "Of course this is the first time he had literally done so. I don't think my cousin is happy until he has matched every up around him."

"I used to think it was so he wouldn't be reminded that he was single," I said and immediately covered my mouth. I had not met to say that. Jayden laughed.

"I think you are right!" he exclaimed, "Not that it is a bad thing. Can I get you a drink?" I nodded. Jayden smiled and took my hand, leading me through the crowd to the kitchen. He seemed to know exactly where he was going. He grabbed two coolers from the counter and, after opening one, passed me one. I didn't drink often. I remember one time Alexia had gotten a couple of coolers after we passed a really hard math exam to celebrate. Alexia had drunken the most that night but I had one as well. He was furious when he found out. He thought I was going to become a drunk. I practically had to promise never to drink again.

Jayden had taken a big swig of his drink and looked at me expectenly. I wondered if it would be like this always. That I would always be careful of things because of how he used to act or if I would ever be comfort just to do things, like I used to. I took a big gulp of the cooler. I couldn't be afraid of his reaction forever. Jayden smiled and jerked his head towards the backyard. I nodded. In order to be heard, we were constantly shouting at each other.

The backyard was lit up with small lights. Some other people had the idea to go to the backyard as well but it was much quieter out there.

"So Adam said you moved here?" I asked. Jayden nodded, taking another drink of the cooler.

"Yeah. My dad thought it would be a good idea to move out here. He thought that I would get more serious about school and stuff. He wants me to go to university and become a lawyer like he did. My dad has big dreams for me. Nothing that I want to do."

"What do you want to do?" I asked. I paused for a moment to set down my empty bottle. I couldn't believe how fast I had drunk it.

"I wouldn't mind being a journalist or something like that. I don't know. I want to experience life before I decide. I don't want to be trapped in a set path, only to find out later there is so much more out there." I nodded. I could understand that. I had missed the deadline to apply for post secondary school. I always figured I would just go to university but I had become too wrapped up with other things. He definitely didn't want me to go away for school. So I opted to do nothing. After graduation, I had the doors wide open to me. It sort of frightened me to think beyond June.

"So you are a senior?" I asked. Jayden nodded.

"I've already applied to universities. I think my dad would have killed me if I didn't but I had told him recently should I get accepted, I was going to turn them down. I want to travel. I'm thinking of maybe going to Europe. Or maybe the Middle East. That would be an experience!" we stopped walking. We had gotten to the edge of the yard, "What about you?" I shrugged. I didn't know how to answer that. I didn't want to say I wanted to spend the next while picking up the pieces that was my life. I didn't want to tell him about my relationship at all. Suddenly Jayden kissed me. It was gentle and not rough. I tried to remember the last time he was so gentle with me. I tried to remember the last time that I had actually wanted to kiss him. I found myself kissing Jayden back. His tongue was pierced too. We kissed heavily for a few minutes before we broke apart. I knew I shouldn't have done that.

"I'm sorry," Jayden spoke first. I flinched at those words. I wondered if Jayden really meant it, "I shouldn't have done that. I was just thinking how kissable you look and I just acted. I should have asked if you were okay with that or..." he trailed off. At first I didn't know how to respond. Did kissing him meant I liked him? What did it mean about my promise to James? I was techincally single but hadn't I told him only a few hours earlier that I would wait for him? What was I doing kissing someone else?

"I'm sorry," I said, "I mean, it was okay but I'm just not..." I paused. No, I didn't mean that, "I mean, I'm interested," was I? "but I'm just not... I just broke up with my boyfriend." The last sentence seemed to hang in the air ackwardly for a moment. Then Jayden smiled.

"That's okay. I'm not looking for a girlfriend or anything. I just didn't want to do something you weren't into," he looked back at the house, "Let's head back before we end up tongue warring again, shall we?" I laughed and nodded. We headed back to the house, grabbed a couple more coolers, and found a couch in the living room. Despite the fact we had to yell to be heard, we gabbed the entire night. I told him a bit about everyone I knew who was there, pointing them out. He would liken them to their counter part at his old high school. I imagined we would have stayed there longer but I had spotted my sister stumble into the living, completely drunk. Jayden volunteered to help me get Shawna home. Luckily, neither one of my parents noticed their youngest daughter stumble home at 2 in the morning completely wasted and their middle daughter follow with a guy neither had met, who was clearly buzzed. Once Jayden saw that we were home safe and Shawna was in her room, he left. I noticed on my way to my bedroom, Shelly's bedroom light was still on.

Gone, pt. 2

2008-02-20T21:55:59Z

I stared at the police station. Alexia smiled at me, obviously thinking it was a comforting gesture. She got out of the car. I followed. I stepped two feet away from the vehicle before I began to cry. I couldn't do this. I couldn't do this to him. Alexia put her arm around me and I shoved her off.

"I can't!" I cried, my voice cracking, "You don't get it! I just can't do this!" Alexia stared at me for a moment then nodded.

"Okay, let's go back to my place. We can do something else," she said. I shook my head.

"I need to be alone," I said, "I'll just walk home." I knew Alexia didn't want to leave me be, especially looking as distaught as I did but she didn't agrue. Alexia always respected my space. Maybe that's why our friendship fell apart so easily before. If she fought harder, maybe I wouldn't have fallen down that path so easily. No. That was unfair. He was all my fault. I began to walk away. I heard Alexia sigh and get back into her car. I knew she had been wishing for a bonding moment, that we would return to normal, best friends like we used to be. Maybe we still could.

I knew I was kidding myself. I knew exactly where I was heading at that moment. I knew this decision would prevent Alexia and I from ever being friends again yet I couldn't help myself. I missed him. He had been the person I ran to when things began to fall apart around me. His home wasn't too far from the police station. I tried to convince myself that I wouldn't stay long, or I would just stay long enough to tell him to stop messaging me but I knew that wouldn't be the case. I knew I had to cut myself off completely but at that moment I couldn't bear to. I felt weak. I felt disgusted with myself. I knew how disappointed everyone would be if they knew what I was doing. I slowed my walk down. What was I doing? Was I really so pathetic that I had to go back to him? Especially after everything. After last night. I stopped. Last night. How he took off my skirt. How he said that I knew that skirt drove him wild. How he pushed me onto the bed. I remember how I asked him to stop, how I told him that I wasn't in the mood, that I really just stopped by for a moment.

"Samantha! There you are!" a familiar voice called to me. I turned. He sat in his red sports car, a gift from his grandfather, "I've been looking for you everywhere. We need to talk."

"No," I said. I was shaking. I didn't want to deal with this right now. I couldn't. A part of me wanted to run away but I remained where I was.

"Come on, Sammi, we need to talk. That's it, I swear," he looked like a wounded puppy dog, pleading with me. I bit my lip, "Please, Sammi." I nodded and walked around and slide into the car. I didn't say anything nor did I look at him. I was afraid if I looked at him I would remember why I was so in love with him and I wouldn't be able to remember why we had to break up. I knew I was turning into one of those girls who kept returning to the man who abused them, the type of girl everyone hated, the type of girl everyone thought was weak. I wish it was as easy as they saw it. I wish it was as black and white as they made it out to be. I wish I was that strong type of girl who could go into the police station and end the cycle for once and for all. I wasn't that type of girl.

I remembered when I first met James. I was failing English class. I never failed at anything, especially English. I liked that class for the most part but that year I just couldn't get into it. Shakepeare was a nightmare and they choice the most boring novels. I found myself skimming the books and concentrating on other aspects of my life. I figured I would be able to "catch up" but I ended up falling further and further behind. My teacher, who knew that I was normally a good student, decided to set me up with one of her students in her senior class. I was only a junior at this point. She said that he did exceptionally well in her class and she knew that he would be able to make the material come alive for me. I doubted that but I agreed. I couldn't afford to fail. So that Friday I had a study date. I remember how Alexia laughed at me and bet it wouldn't be a study date at all. I rolled my eyes and reminded her that I needed to study. Alexia knew how badly I was doing in English but she didn't have the class until the next term so she couldn't really help me. Besides, Alexia was an artsy type person. She would spend the year focusing on her art classes and little else. She would be able to BS her way through the English class and not really understand it.

Alexia turned out to be right. We met at the public library around four that afternoon. I had enough time to go home, change and then run to the library. Shelly was too busy to give me a ride that day, I remember. James was still in his school uniform, sitting on the front steps of the libriary reading some book in Russian, enjoying the last bit of the warm weather. While it was November, for some reason we were still experiencing warm weather. I wasn't complaining. My English teacher had asked me if I knew who James was and I was surprised to find out she was talking about that James. I wouldn't say he was popular but everyone knew and was friendly to him. He would float between the groups, not quite a part of them but not quite not a part of them either. He was cute. He was about 6'3" with black spikey hair and dark blue eyes, that were almost hidden with his thick rimmed glasses. His style was a mixture of punk and emo. If I had to admit it, I had spent a good portion of my freshmen year crushing on him but knowing he was totally out of my league. I had never thought I would get the chance to even talk to him.

We did end up spending an hour or so studying. My teacher was right. James did make the material come alive. I knew when I got home, I wouldn't be skimming the pages anymore. James suggested after a while that we take a break. He said studying for too long wasn't helpful. I agreed and we went out for dinner. We clicked over the meal and ended up staying out until after midnight, sitting in his car just chatting. The next day he had called me for a real date. It wasn't long after that when we both realized that we were made for each other.

He pulled into the parking lot of the Donut Diner and turned off the car. Neither of spoke the entire way. We liked going to the DOnut Diner. He liked getting the Dibbles and I enjoyed the hot chocolate. We used to go all the time then things became complicated between us and we didn't go as often. We spent a lot time of at his place.

"Do you want to go in or shall I order and we can stay here?" he asked, his voice sounding small. I didn't really want to have this conversation in one of our favourite places. He went in to get our usual. I sat in his car, trying to bury the memories that kept trying to resubmerge. All the times we would sit in the car and talk for hours, all the times we would make out in the car, all the drive- in movies we would go to. Yet this was also the car he became so mad at me one time he smashed my head against the windshield, this was the car where he had grabbed my ponytail and held me against the seat. How many times had I curled up into a ball, sobbing in this car because of what he had done? Wasn't it less that 24 hours ago when I had sat here numb in this very seat because he had just raped me?

He climbed back into the car and passed me the cup of hot chocolate. I took of the lid and set it on the dashboard, just like I always did. He would open the box of Dibbles and set it between us, then he would grab a handful and try to see how many he could fit in his mouth. Habits.

"Samantha, I am so sorry," he began but I put up my hand.

"I don't want to hear it," I said, my voice shaking again, "I don't even know why I'm here. I just want end things with you."

"Sammi, I'm so sorry. I am. I've lost control of myself. I know that," he paused, "I cannot believe what I did. I don't blame you for wanting to kick me to the curb. I'm a monster. I'm going to get help. I'm going to learn to control my anger. I... I just don't want to lose you. Can't we still be friends? I mean... I don't want to lose my best friend. You were the only person in the world to believe me," he paused and sneaked a look at me, "I understand if you never want to see me again after this."

"I told my parents," I said, "It will be hard to communicate with you. They want me to go to the Police." James was silent for a moment. I didn't want to look at him. I took my hot chocolate and took a sip. Would he explode in anger? I knew he hated me telling others about things that happened between us. He believed that those problems should stay in the family. He and I were practically family. There would be times he talked about us getting married once I was done high school.

"I don't blame you if you go," he said.

"I don't want to. James..." my voice trailed off, "I just need time. I want to be there for you. I love you. I don't want to lose you but..." my eyes blurred with tears. James touched my arm. How was it I was repulsed by his touch and comforted by it at the same time? The tears slid down my cheeks. At least I wasn't sobbing.

"Sammi, I am so sorry," he whispered. He seemed so powerless. I took a deep breath.

"I can't see you for a while, James," I said, "We'll keep in touch. We won't lose each other," I opened the car door, "I got to go." I left my hot chocolate in the car and walked away. I half expected James to call out to me. Tell me not leave. That he wasn't finished talking. Yet I wasn't surprised when he left me go. I was even further from home than when I started. It would be a long walk home but I needed it.

"Gone"

2008-02-02T20:13:10Z

Lately i have had the urge to write about girls in abusive relationships. For almost three years, i have avoided that subject like the plague. as most of my faithful readers know, that subject is too close to my heart. Then I began to write Lavender based on a dream i had. I was able to read Fault Line, a book i remember reading about abuse and i said "it would never happen to me." Maybe this is a way for me to finally deal with what happened. Maybe not. I realise what happened i never truly dealt with. i shoved it aside. I have really only told a few people the story. Brendan knows the most. Kevin the next, but only the coles notes version. Trevor and Anna know the coles notes of the coles notes version. That is it.

So this afternoon, instead of doing something productive, i started to write this. we'll see if i continue it. For those who don't know the story, or only the coles notes version, this is not based on what happened to me. Yes, there are part of it which did happen but the severity of Samantha's story is fictional.

I hope, should you read this, you'll comment.

Thank you.

My mom was sobbing in front of me. She was kneeling, her face almost touching her knees, sobbing. I knew it was my fault. Dad wasn’t home yet, my older sister was still out on her date and my younger sister was sleeping over at her friend‘s house.. Mom had fallen to pieces in front of me and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to switch places with her. I wanted to be the one sobbing, curled up, or simply reacting. Yet my mother was the one crying. One look at me and she was in tears.

“How could this have happened? Why didn’t I see this coming?” she cried, her voice cracking. I knelt down next to her and put my arm around her.

“It’s not your fault,” I said, “Please don’t blame yourself.” She looked at me, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“How can you say that? You are my little girl. I was to protect you,” suddenly she stood up. I knew her mother bear instinct was taking over, “We’ll calling the Police. He’s not going to get away with it.” She turned to go to the kitchen but I grabbed her arm.

“No,” I said. I knew it was pointless. Nothing good would come out of it. I had already tried to get help before and nothing good came out of it. My whole world had changed because of him and I didn’t want to give him any more power. Besides this was the last time. He said so. He saw what he had done to me, he saw how it effected me, he promised it was the last time. We would stay away from each other. We were bad for each other, constantly setting each other off. I couldn’t describe our relationship but whatever we had I knew it was over. I promised myself as I walked into the house.

“He raped you!” my mother screamed, irrational, “You think that he should get away with it? That he shouldn’t be punished!” Fire was in her eyes, she needed to get retribution for this. She needed to do something.

“It’s me versus him,” I replied. I wondered why I even told my mother? Maybe because this was the last time, I needed to get it off my chest. Maybe because I had lost everyone else. I suddenly felt exhausted. The mere thought of doing anything except sleeping seemed impossible at that moment, “No one is going to believe me. He was my boyfriend. All he has to say is that it was consensual,” I paused, “I’m going to bed.” I turned my back on my mother and headed to my room. She didn’t follow me. Maybe she would try again in the morning to get me to report the whole thing. Or maybe she would drop it. Maybe she would be relieved that I didn’t want to press charges against him. Then she wouldn’t have to hear the whole story. Then she wouldn’t have to face the fact it was in front of her the entire time and she didn’t see it. Then she wouldn’t have to face the fact that she so willingly bought every lie I ever told her. As I shut my door, I could hear her cry again. I took off my clothing, knowing it would be the last time I ever wore those again. I stripped completely naked and paused for a second in front of my mirror. I had changed so much in the past year. I used to be happy. I used to be a bit on the plump side, but no one, unless they felt mean, would call me fat. I was thin now, almost too thin. My reddish brown hair used to be kept short, framing my face, bringing out my sparking blue eyes, now it was limp and long, hiding my face. I looked at my body, thinking about all the bruises I had had and all the ways I would cover them up. The bruises on my biceps from when he would grab my arms. I hardly ever wore short sleeves or sleeveless shirts anymore.

I turned away from the mirror, unable to look anymore. I crawled into my bed. As I turned off the lights, I hear the front door open and my dad, sounding panicked, asking mom what had happened. I fell into a deep sleep, knowing that I would probably have to face it again in the morning.

~

I woke up with the sun streaming through the window. I had slept a dreamless sleep. I, moving as silently as possible, went to my backpack and checked my cell phone. An old habit I knew I would need to learn to break. I had one text message. My heart began to pound as I hit open, “I am so sorry. Call me later?” My phone silently beeped again. Another message, “I love you. We need to talk.” I tossed my phone on my bed. I would have to deal with that later. I wanted a shower. After covering myself with my robe, I grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom. I liked to fill the bathroom with steam before I had my shower. My whole family knew that. Dad always told me what a waste of water it was and told me to stop. I never listened. I shouldn’t have been surprised when the door burst open as soon as I turned on the water. Luckily, I hadn’t taken off my robe yet. Dad turned off the water.

“Don’t you dare shower! We are going to the police station right now!” he said. Mom had told him. I couldn’t understand why I was so surprised at that. Why wouldn’t she? My hope that she would push it all aside was silly. I shook my head.

“No,” I said, “Besides I showered last night before I came home.” It was true. After he was done and he realised what happened, he took me to the shower. I remember feeling so numb as he washed me clean. He seemed to caring, so loving with his touches but we both knew we were washing away any evidence. Besides it wasn’t like we needed his DNA in me to prove that he had sex with me. It wasn’t our first time. All he had to do was say that he was consensual and point out the fact we had been doing it for months.

Dad stared at me. He seemed to come down from his blustering rage when he came in. He pulled me into his arms and I heard him say, “My poor little girl.” I felt numb. This was the first time in months he had even paid attention to his family. He was busy with Little Miss Breasts at his office. I had seen it myself. Mom was in the dark, I thought, and he convinced me not to let mom or dad know I knew. Dad would come clean sooner or later. I wondered if he blamed his affair for this. Had he been home more would have he seen through the lies?

“Come on, baby girl, we need to get you to the police station,” he said. I pulled away from him.

“No,” I said again. I didn’t want to go to the police. I didn’t want to tell someone I didn’t even knew everything. I didn’t want to get him in trouble. I didn’t want to voice that last thought. It was over. As soon as I was alone, I would delete those messages on my phone. I wasn’t going to respond. I had said that when he dropped me off last night. He took my hand and pulled me in for a kiss. He agreed with me. Our relationship was too volatile. He told me that he loved me but it was probably best we remained apart. We promised each other that maybe one day in the future we would try again. We knew our love was real. It was intense. The times we were apart left us aching but those other parts, those parts that had changed him and me were too much. This was for the best. So there was no point to go to the police.

“Samantha, please,” my mom was at the doorway. She looked as if she aged ten years over night. Her eyes glistered with tears. I hoped she wouldn’t start crying again.

“No,” I said again, “I’m not going to go,” I glared at both of my parents, “Please, I just want to get on with my life. Let me shower and I’ll be down for breakfast shortly.” Dad looked at my mother and he lead her out of the kitchen. I showered, feeling nothing. Normally, showering was my favourite activities of the day. I got alone time and some time to think. I didn’t always enjoy my thoughts but I was allowed to think without cause.

I dreaded going down for breakfast. My older sister, Shelly, would be there. Shelly was the perfect daughter. My parents loved her. She was a year older than me and a senior in high school. She received top grades and had gotten a scholarship for the university of her choice. She wanted to be a doctor, specializing in child care. She had tons a friends and a steady boyfriend. Despite the fact we were close in age, we were never close. Shelly always seemed too busy for me. She had always had her own life away from me. Shawna was my younger sister. She was fourteen and was a freshman in high school. She was a little nerdy but had a tight group of friends. She was always doing something with them. Whenever I was with my sisters, I always felt out of place. Their lives seemed to be so effortless and happy. I felt the odd bad of the family. I didn’t want to face them now. I knew they would both look at me differently. They wouldn’t understand.

Shawna wasn’t there for breakfast. She was probably still at her friends. She may not even be home for hours. I could hear Shelly talking to my parents as I came down the stairs.

“She may have gotten pregnant. Did she tell you if he used a condom? I doubt he did. In assaults like this, the aggressor rarely thinks ahead. She should also be tested for STDS. She would also need to see if he caused any trauma to her-” Shelly broke off when she saw me standing at the doorway. I immediately felt ill. Wasn’t mom and dad enough? Why did Shelly have to act like she knew everything? She looked at me sympathetically, “You know, Samantha, you really should go to a doctor.” I sat down at the table.

“I heard,” I replied, grabbing the cartoon of orange juice. It was all I feel like stomaching. How many mornings had I come down for breakfast, only to drink juice instead? How many meals had I missed because my stomach was in knots? I spent so much time worrying, wondering what he would think or react. Like the time I entered that short story contest and won. I had forgotten to tell him I had entered. It should have been cause to celebrate, instead he slammed me against the wall, furious that I was hiding things from him, that I was lying to him, that I wanted to leave him. Why hadn’t I told him? Didn’t I want to share my happiness with him? Didn’t I love him? Hadn’t he helped me with my writing before, showing me where to improve? Did I think I was too good for him now?

I put down my orange juice. It was over. I wondered how many more times he had text messaged me? Would he be upset if I didn’t respond? I stood up. I didn’t want to sit with my family. Dad had other plans.

“We need to talk about this, Samantha,” he said, “You can’t expect us to listen to what happened and not do anything. We have to take action. Your mother is looking into getting a counsellor for you. Maybe someone with a professional point of view can convince you to go to the police.” I felt like screaming. Why wasn’t anyone listening to me? I didn’t want to go to the police. I didn’t want to! I didn’t want to!

“God!” I cried, “I don’t even know why I told you!” Dad stood up and glared at me.

“We are your family and we are here to help you!” his voice boomed.

“I don’t want help! I just want to move on! Why do you think reliving it will help me? Haven’t I suffered enough?” I knew it was a low blow but I was desperate. I turned away but dad grabbed my arm, preventing me from leaving. How many times had he done that in the past? I had popped by his place for a quick visit after school, with the intention to leave to do something, like homework. He would grab my arm, and pull me back. He would beg me not to leave, that we could do our work together. I didn’t really want to. I knew we would just end up fooling around. He was always telling me how irresistible I was. I would go home hours later, with my homework undone. It wouldn’t be until the next morning when I would see the bruises on my arms.

Dad immediately let go of my arm when he saw my face. I ran upstairs and slammed the door behind me. I grabbed my cell phone.

“Sam, why are you ignoring me?”
“Sam, I told you I was sorry. Please respond.”
“Sam, stop being a bitch. Call me. Now.”
“I get it. You have already gone to someone else. Slut.”
“Call me.”
“You left your notebook here. Please call so I can give it back.”
“I am sorry about before. Please don’t leave me.”

There were at least fourteen messages on my phone. Each felt like a blow to the stomach. He would always accuse me of being with someone else if I didn’t respond to his calls right away. That was one reason why I stopped hanging out with some of my friends. He always thought the wrong thing was happening between us. He would tell me if I really loved him I would stop hanging out with them, that my friendships were unnatural, asking me how I would like it if he got that close with some of his friends of the opposite sex? My girlfriends didn’t seem to understand why I would start refusing to hang out with our male friends. They said he was too jealous. Soon it became easier not to hang out with them at all. I quickly typed him a message: GO AWAY. I turned off my cell phone and threw it into my closet. I told myself to get a new phone number. I looked at my computer. I told myself to get a new email address and stop checking the old one.

I laid down on my bed. I could hear my parents arguing downstairs. I knew what they were saying. What would they do about their poor Samantha? They would soon begin to argue about whose fault it was. I knew by lunchtime dad would have left the house. He would probably go to Little Miss Breasts and get some action with her. He would be able to leave his family for a while. Put the pause button on this family. I wondered when he started to see Little Miss Breasts. I wondered what the reasons were. Maybe the high expectation of perfection my sisters put on this family was too much for dad. Maybe he couldn’t take the pressure. I couldn’t.

I wondered what Shelly would do now. Mom had probably made her promise not to talk to her friends about this. I wondered if Shelly received some sort of twisted pleasure from knowing her sister was such a screw up, that if for whatever reason she failed at something, she could say, “well, my sister was abused.” After all, I knew, Shelly would blame this whole thing on me. Just like he did. If I hadn’t come to his place looking so sexy, suggesting things then he would have never had done it. He had whispered in my ear while we showered, that this was what I had asked for anyway. I wondered if I did deserve it. I had been teasing him. I did want to make out some but I wasn’t in the mood to go all the way. I hadn’t been for a while. He called me a tease a lot lately and a cold blooded bitch. That seemed to be his newest nickname for me: bitch. He used to come up with the best pet names.

I was beginning to feel crazy. I wanted to get out of the house. Normally when I felt like this I would call him up. He would drive over and pick me up. We’d go back to his place. Now who would I call? I wondered if Alexia would talk to me again. Alexia and I were best friends. We had been since grade five when we both decided that putting worms in all the boys’ desks would be funny. We had our first detention together. Alexia came from a huge Greek family. They always made me feel welcomed. When I started to go out with him, she thought he took too much of my time and she never seemed to believe my lies. Like the typical lie about my black eye. I told her that I had hit the corner of my bookshelf one day. That always made more sense than hitting a doorknob. She didn’t believe me. Alexia even went up to him one day and accused him of beating me. I remembered feeling so horrified. How could she do that to me? How would he react? Afterwards he was furious, saying that all he did to show me that he loved me and I was gossiping about him, hanging our dirty laundry out for everyone to see. He said I was an ungrateful bitch that should be put down. I told him I never said anything and it took a lot of convincing before he believed me. After that I stopped talking to Alexia altogether. I figured it was best that way. Besides, if she couldn’t believe me or respect my decisions, I didn’t want her as a friend.

I wondered if she would see me now. Would she even talk to me? I had to leave the house. I went downstairs. I didn’t see dad anywhere. Mom was cleaning the kitchen. I grabbed my shoes.

“Where do you think you are going?” she demanded.

“Alexia’s,” I replied. Mom paused. She clearly didn’t want me to go off on my own. What if I returned to him? So she called Shelly and asked her to drive me. Needless to say it was uncomfortable car ride. Shelly would try to talk to me but I wouldn’t answer. When we pulled up to Alexia’s house, Shelly took my hand.

“Sam, please don’t push this away. You need to listen to mom and dad,” I looked at my sister. I felt warm from how sincere Shelly seemed.

“You don’t understand,” I replied, and shut the car door behind me. I knew Shelly would stay until I stepped into the house. I rang the door bell. It was Saturday. Who knew if Alexia was even home? Her mother, Mrs. Dyonysius, answered the door.

“Samantha!” she exclaimed, “How are you dear? I haven’t seen you in some time!” I loved Mrs. Dyonysius. She was always so warm and welcoming. I knew she would always be there for her kids but she also knew when to leave them alone. I forced a smile.

“I’m okay,” I said, “Would Alexia be around?” Mrs. Dyonysius ushered me into their house. I knew at this point Shelly would drive off.

“Yup, she’s in her room,” Mrs. Dyonysius smiled again, “Why don’t you go up and surprise her?” I thanked her and headed up to the third floor. The Dyonysius’s house was huge. Alexia’s parents both had high paying jobs and since there were so many kids they wanted a house with enough rooms for each of the kids. I used to wish I was a part of the Dyonysius family. I wondered what they would think of me now.

I knocked on Alexia’s door. I missed her room. She was always redecorating it. Alexia could never stay with a design for long. Alexia opened the door. She was still in her pjs, her hair brush in her hand. She looked shock to see me.

“Sam? What are you doing here?” she asked. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. What was I doing here? Maybe I should just leave. Alexia pulled me in and shut the door behind her. Her room had a rock star theme. She had painted the walls black, with white edging. Posters of her favourite bands plastered the walls, making the room seem not so dark. She had talked about doing this for ages.

“Sam? What happened? What did he do this time?” she asked. Anger washed over me.

“Why does everyone assume he did something wrong?” I cried, “Maybe it was me! Maybe it was all my fault! All of it! I made my mother cry! I made him do those things! If I was a different person, he wouldn’t have done it! I just bring out the worse of him! I bring out the worse of everything around me! I’m a poison. A terrible poison.” I was crying now. Alexia held me close.

“I know you don’t believe that,” she said. She was always so sure of herself. We stayed silent for a few minutes, the only sound was me crying.

“We broke up,” I finally said, “We had to. It was just too much. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t be with him because of everything. Our relationship was just too wrong. After last night, I couldn’t return to his arms. Alexis, he keeps messaging me. I don’t want him out of my life because I love him so much but he is just so bad. Alexis… Alexis, James raped me.” James. The first time since I had come home last night I had said his name, thought his name. I began to cry again. I loved his name. I loved saying his name. I loved linking our names together. Now I was afraid to ever speak his name. Alexis didn’t say anything. She held me tight. She was crying too. We were crying together.

Finally Alexis pulled herself together. She allowed me to continue resting on her shoulder, “Sam,” she started, “Have you told your parents?” I nodded.

“They want to go to the police. I cannot do that to him. He didn’t mean to. He just gets carried away. It’s just how he is,” I said.

“It was still wrong. Sam, I know you don’t need anyone to preach at you. I know you are probably just a confused ball of emotion but you can’t do this alone. I cannot help you in the way you need. Nor can your parents. As much as I hate to say it, your parents’ are right. He may not have meant to hurt you. He probably never does but he has. He has abused you. He has raped you. Can you honestly let him get away with it?” I began to cry harder. I knew she was right. If it was Alexis who had come to me saying this, I would drag her to the police myself. Suddenly the Alexia’s cell phone rang. I jumped. Was it possible he had tracked me here? Why wasn’t he letting up? Alexia ignored the ringing phone.

“Sam, I’ll take you if you want. We can go right now. I’ll be with you all the way. I won’t leave you alone for a moment. I’ll be with you, okay?” I found myself nodding. Alexia hugged me and told me she was going to get dressed. She grabbed a pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt. We never used to be afraid to change in front of each other. When I began to lose weight, we used to share clothing. It was around then I stopped changing in front of her. I didn’t want her to see the bruises. Alexia changed in front of me today. It was almost like nothing changed except for the fact everything had.

She took my hand and led me to her car. We didn’t say a word to her mother. I didn’t call my parents to tell them where I was going or what I’d be doing. Before I knew it, we were at the police station.

Sunny Side Up (A BSC one- shot)

2008-01-07T21:24:33Z

Ceiling. White. Flat. Sunlight shadows. Sunlight. Sunny. California. Stoneybrook. No where. Meetings being called to order. Friends. Friends forever. Fights. Anger. Step sisters. Sadness. Leaving. California. Maggie. Amalia. Ducky. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny.

No matter how much Dawn tried to clear her mind it was always brought back to Sunny. Her best friend. The only true friend she could count on. The reason why she moved back to live with her father. The reason why she was now back in Stoneybrook, staring at the ceiling of a home she didn't recall. Her home had burnt down in a terrible fire. It was like a sign, Dawn reflected, that her whole life would change in the coming years.

Some changes she could handle, like high school or high school boys. Those were easy and even fun. High school parties were also a huge change from the silly sleepovers she used to have with the Baby- Sitters Club. These parties were about looking good and getting a guy. They were about hooking up. There weren't able discussing baby-sitting tips, giggling over boys or pizza toasts. Her friends were a huge change from the members of the Baby- Sitters Club. California was completely different from her life in Stoneybrook. In Stoneybrook, she felt like she would be a child forever, now she was able to grow up.

There were other changes she wasn't expecting. Maggie relapsed into her eating disorder to the point she was hospitalized. At that point, all her friends changed. Amalia was the only who stuck by with Maggie and helped her through it. It wasn't that Ducky and Dawn didn't want to but Sunny was going down her own self destructive path and they ended up siding with her. After her mother's death, she seemed to clean herself up, stop running away, stop the massive amount of drinking and was actually dealing with life. After Maggie was hospitalized Sunny snapped back. As if she wasn't able to deal with the death of someone else close to her. She partied hardcore, drank, skipped classes and did drugs.

Dawn wanted to help Sunny so she promised her to stand by her. Ducky was torn between his friendships. Sunny had vowed never to speak with Maggie again. She had said that if Maggie was stupid enough to fall into that illness again that she might as well just die. Ducky didn't agree and they fought about Maggie constantly. Sunny almost seemed to resent that Ducky had a mind of his own and was fighting her on this. Dawn didn't neccessarily agree but didn't want to abandon her best friend. Besides, selfishly, Dawn had more fun hanging out with Sunny, getting trashed and hooking up with guys then sitting at the hospital, wondering if Maggie would survive another heart attack.

Dawn blinked, her world turning completely dark so fast her mind didn't even register the difference. She could hear her family in the kitchen. Her stepfather, Richard making some huge breakfast, her mother, Sharon, running around, trying to find something required for work and Marry Anne, her one time best friend and now stepsister, was chatting away about something about school. Dawn closed her eyes then immediately opened them. She hadn't slept at all the night before. She couldn't remember when she had a full nights sleep. Yes she could. In California. California. Sunny. Sunny.

Dawn wondered if she would be ever able to close her eyes and not see Sunny's blank stare. She wondered if she would ever be able to be free of Sunny's eyes. Sunny died. Funny. Maggie was well on her way to recovery. She was currently attending a fancy boarding school, away from the pressures of school life and home life. Sunny was the one who died. Dawn was there to witness it all. She wasn't even suppose to be there. Sunny and Dawn had a huge fight a couple weeks prior. They weren't even speaking. Sunny had slept with Ducky. She used and abused him as she did a million guys prior. Normally Dawn didn't care. Somewhere down the road Dawn had begun doing the same thing. Sex was fun. It made her feel good. It made life easier. But no one could do that to Ducky. Ducky was different. Ducky was special. You couldn't just hurt Ducky and get away with it. Sunny didn't seem to agree. Ducky was just another guy.

Then Amalia threw a big party. Her parents had gone away on some romantic retreat and her sister was away at college. Dawn knew the party was in honour of Maggie's recovery. Amalia had begged Dawn to come and to ignore Sunny. Sunny drank a lot that evening. Too much. That wasn't unusual. Dawn drank a fair bit too. She was definitely tipsy that night. It didn't matter to Dawn. It felt good.

Dawn had walked in on Sunny snorting a line of crack. She rolled her eyes when she saw Dawn. She considered turning away from Sunny but something stopped her. Within moments, she was screaming for someone to call 911 and was cradling Sunny in her arms. Sunny died. Dead. It wasn't until it was too late when Dawn's screams were heard. There was nothing that could be done. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Dawn forced herself to get up. Soon her parents would be at her door, knocking, telling her that she would be late for school. As if she cared about school. Without Sunny, nothing seemed to matter. All the things she did to make herself feel good only made her feel empty. Dawn was sent back to Stoneybrook in hopes that the change of scenery would change how Dawn was acting. That she wouldn't be so sluggish, that she would be "happy" again, that she wouldn't disappear during the night and come home completely wasted, that she would stop cutting herself. Not that anyone knew about the lasst one. That one was new. It seemed like seeing the little lines of red was the only thing that made Dawn feel somewhat whole again. No one knew. No one could knew.

Dawn forced herself downstairs, to her family. Mary Anne sat at the kitchen counter eating the last piece of bacon. Everything has changed. Everything. No longer were the girls of the BSC were innocent teenagers. They all grew up. They all had problems. Dawn left the house, pulling the hood of her black hood over her head, thinking that everything changed with Sunny.

blackflame28 @ 2007-12-24T10:47:00

2007-12-24T15:52:44Z

Wow... special. An Ottawa elementary school removes the word "christmas" from the song Silver Bells to make the song more "inclusive"

What a load of crap! Firstly, it's an old song. over 50 years old. I'm sure when the writer of that song wrote it, he meant Christmas, not a "festive" day. because which day would that refer to? hallowe'en? new years? st. valentine's day?

secondly, come on now, students have these two weeks off because of christmas. I'm not knocking any other holidays this time of year, but they don't (usually) land on the 25th of December. Everything is closed on the 25th of December, also known as "Christmas." If you don't want to celebrate Christmas, or don't believe in the reasons for Christmas (which is JESUS, not family togetherness *pointed look at Shrek*), that's fine. but let's not forget what the 25th is.

Wow... that annoyed me.

blackflame28 @ 2007-12-01T17:05:00

2007-12-01T22:10:27Z

She put the last dish in the dish rack and wrung out the rag. Her breathing was ragged and hard. Luckily no one else was in the apartment at that moment, or else she would be bombarded with questions of if she was okay or not. It wasn’t something she wanted to deal with. She looked at the dish rack one more and retreated to her room.

Kiara Moore slipped in a CD and cranked the volume up. Soon all she could hear was the clashing of drums and the rhythmic rifts of the guitar. She laid on her bed and closed her eyes. It had passed again. She knew she needed to gain control. She knew she couldn’t fall into that trap, no matter how much she wanted to. Kiara rolled over on her stomach, and put her right hand on her left arm. She could see it so clearly, as she picked up the knife from the dish water. It was clean, she had just washed it. Yet she secretly wondered if the demons in her head would even care if it wasn’t? It would have to be washed again. The demons, it was the only thing she could call the feelings, the cravings, showed her the release she would feel if she just pressed the knife against her skin, just long enough for the crimson river underneath to bubble up. Then she could drop the knife in the sink. It would end there. It wouldn’t really hurt her and no one would know. It was cold outside anyway so she could get away with long sleeves. No one would know and she would feel so much better. If she just listened to the demons.

Kiara knew better, however. She had read books and heard stories about those who cut themselves. They found themselves in the hospital, people thought they were freaks, or worse, they would believe she was just doing it because that’s what all the kids were doing. They would label her, ridicule her and more. On top of all that, what would her mother think? As if her mother didn’t have enough going on, did she really need to deal with her daughter who cut herself? No, Kiara thought, she would not fall into that trap. There would be no way she would do that. Well, not again. She pushed those thoughts out of her head. No. She had to stop thinking like that. She had to do something until everyone came home. Then the apartment would be filled with noise and chaos, that she wouldn’t have the chance to think about the demon whispers.

I've written about five more pages of this story. it's on the desktop and today, as i'm writing, i don't like it. mainly because i'm conflicted. Kiara is a strong voice in my head (gee, i wonder why) but i want to do either another law based story (nerd resides here) or do a vampire story. i'm leaning towards the later. but i'm afraid if i try to do a vampire story it's going to turn out more like the ones i've attempted of late (which i do not want to do. ew) instead of the... classic view of vampires, which i like to think i created in Malaika.

I like using vampires because they are a true evil which i can use to depict alot of REAL evil in our world today. they can be monsters and it's okay because they are vampires and it's partly excusable.

*look at the clock*
i wish bren would come home soon. also, i should back to studying. pew.

blackflame28 @ 2007-11-21T15:49:00

2007-11-21T21:53:06Z

"What do you mean gone?" Lili's mother, Tessa, cried, grabbing her husband's hand, "I thought tonight she was simply suppose to meet Kai, if that!" The Elder frowned.

"That was the plan but an hour after dropping Lili off at the club we received a call from Kai, who informed that he would be able to make it to the club and that there were rumours that something big was going to go down. He could not say much more."

"Where is our daughter?" Lili's father, Bram, said, trying to keep his voice calm. The Elder hesitated for a moment.

"We don't know-"

"What do you mean you don't know?" Tessa screamed, tears now streaming down her cheeks, "You promised she would be safe! You promised that this was just a test of her loyalty. That Kai would find out why she was disappearing at night and how involved she was in the vampire world! You promised me!"

"I know and this attack on the club was completely unexpected... for the most part-"

"For the most part?" Tessa cried.

"We knew there would be a mass kidnapping of people for an auction. There were rumours about this auction for a while now but we believed it was still in the works. From our understanding of the situation, and we surveyed the club quite throughly today, this doesn't seem to be the big threat that we told your daughter about."

"So basically you know nothing?" Bram asked. The Elder nodded.

"We know the club was a specific target and we know that there was an auction. We know all the humans who went into that club have disappeared," The Elder paused, "We are using all possible resources to find out what exactly happened last night." Tessa turned away, her tears and anger silenced.

"You mean," she said slowly, "that if you have time and a good lead you will look into what happened, but finding those people aren't high on your list because of this visiting grand evil. You mean that a fellow Hunter is missing, taken by those demons, and you are going to do something if you have the time and if you feel like it."

"Tess, that's not fair," the Elder said, "Hunters go missing all the time, it's a part of the job description and to be completely honest, your daughter was acting suspeciously over the past few weeks. She may have wanted to go with whoever took her. This auction may be a completely false lead, planted to cover up her running away," Tessa gasped, "Tess, we will look into it. A rough Hunter, if that is the case, is not something we want to do with, nor is a ruined Hunter, if that is the case. But, I'm sorry, if hundreds of human lives are at risk with this coming evil verus your daughter, hundred of lives are simply more important," the Elder paused, "Bram, you seem to have a better handle on the situation. I would request you ask your family from refraining to search for Lili on their own. We have our own task force and your family has their assignments." Then the Elder left, leaving Tessa and Bram completely shocked.

Lili could barely remember what happened after the vampire with the green/ blue eyes lead her off the stage. She could remember him whispering in her ear that she ought not to worry but that was all. She did not like missing chucks of time from her memory.

She sat up, taking in her surroundings. The room was small and remained her of a cell. The walls were tall, probably 10 feet or more high, and windowless. They were painted a steel grey. Her bed, which she was not sitting on, was nothing more than a cot, with a soft blanket and pillow. The room was lit with a florescent light. The door seemed to melt into its surroundings, and she noticed, there was no handle on this side. She was completely trapped. She also noticed that her cross was missing. She knew she had no choice but to wait. She hated waiting.

What felt like several hours later, the door open and a girl, probably around her age, entered the room. She had long brown hair, which fell to her waist and brown eyes.

"Miss," the girl's voice was quiet, "they are ready for you, if you wish to follow me." Lili jumped to her feet.

"Who are they? Where are we? Ready for what?" Lili fired the questions at the girl.

"Miss, forgive me but I am not allowed to answer the questions. Please, just follow me," the girl had a soft accent which Lili could not place. She reached out and touched the girl's arm.

"Why can't you tell me?" she whispered, staring at the girl.

"I am a slave. My will is to do as my master tells me. I have been instructed not to tell you anything," the girl turned away and began to walk down the hall. Lili followed. The hall was long and painted the same drab colour as her cell. She could tell, from the look of the long hall of doors, it was filled with rooms, just like the one she woke up in. Lili wondered how many other girls were behind those doors and how long she had been there for. Lili made a note to memorize everything about this place. She had no doubt that the slave- girl in front of her was not the only other human, and each and every one of them needed to be saved.

The slave girl led Lili through a series of corridors and stairways. Lili struggled to remember every twist and turn. She knew it would be almost impossible to find her way around on her own. She also knew that was the idea, to completely disorientate her so that she wouldn't be able to leave on her own. Finally the slave girl lead her into a large room and instructed her to wait. The room was decorated in lush reds and golds. Large pillows laid on the floor, as cushions. Lili walked around the room. At the back of the room were large wall length windows. She peered outside and saw nothing but darkness. She wondered how high up she was from the ground and what were her possibilities of breaking open a window.

"A Hunter?" a surprised voice asked. Lili whirrled around, and saw three vampires enter the room. One was the green/ blue eyed vampire, another was Daniel, the auction master but the third she had not seen before. It was the third one who was speaking, "You are arguing over a Hunter?" He paused and looked at Lili, "And if she's a Hunter, why on Earth do you not have her tied up? I am not in the mood for chasing or fighting with her." Daniel smiled.

"I would have had her stripped, bound and gagged at this point but Matias refused," Daniel responded. Lili looked at the blue/ green eyed vampire. So his name was Matias. That sounded familiar, almost as familiar as his eyes and voice. It was like she already knew his name.

"My pet, come here," Matias said, softly. Lili hesitated.

"Oh, come on now, Matias," the third vampire said, "Take control of her if she's yours!" Lili made a quick decision. Of the three vampires, she would rather be with Matias; therefore, it would be wise to obey him for now. She walked over to Matias and knelt before him. She kept her eyes to the ground.

"So Matias, you claim you have some sort of connection to this Hunter and Daniel, you claim she's your bounty because you found her at the club. You wish for me to mediate and decide to whom this girl belongs to," the third vampire said. The other two nodded in agreement, "Clearly, she seems to be submissive to Matias already; however, if she saw how Daniel acted last night, I wouldn't be surprised for her to try to get on his good side. Yet she is a Hunter and I would hate to see Matias to be soft on her. Daniel has a point that she ought to be broken immediately. I heard how she fought last night and to have her doing any sort of damage any where at this point of time would be not only foolish but dangerous," Lili's heart raced, "Matias, she is yours, simply for the reasons you gave to me previously but, should you not break that will of hers soon, I will have no choice but to reverse my decision and give her to Daniel." The third vampire then departed from the room. Daniel stayed a moment.

"I suggest you take her to the lodgings up north some. That is as good as place as any," Daniel said, his voice low, "But I promise you, should I have a hint that she will cause any trouble or summon her friends, I will take her. When I am through with her, you won't even recongize her." With that, Daniel departed the room.

Lili stood up, glaring at the vampire. She tried to calm her heart, which was racing. She was terrified but she tried to hide it from him. Matias smiled at her.

"Amada, it's time to leave this place. I promise you that shortly you will understand exactly what is going on." He took her hand and led her out of the room.

La dee la la. This is my story writing with no plot. Comment with your opinions... or i may just stop writing this. I also have that BSC fic I was working on. :S

whatever.

blackflame28 @ 2007-11-20T11:35:00

2007-11-20T21:04:25Z

The four of them sat in the kitchen. The rest of the siblings had been kicked out of the room, but they all knew they were just standing on the other side of the wall, each fighting to get a better spot to hear. Tanya had not been able to contain herself and announced at each sibling the news. Lili remained silent on the subject. Ash had approached her before dinner, asking if it was true. She shrugged. He told her it was awfully brave to give her life for the cause. She wondered if she agreed if that was exactly what she would be doing. Another thought would be if she had the option to decline the mission. No Hunter had before declined a mission, so she wasn't sure what would happen exactly. She wasn't sure if she wanted this mission. As much as she loved to slay the Big Bad, this seemed too dangerous. Once in the world of vampires, who knew what would happen to her and, honestly, who knew exactly how much she would have to give of herself in order to get in as deep as the Elders wanted? Once the mission was over, if she survived, who knew what sort of state she would be in? She had interview girls who had gotten out of slave/ master situtations. Terrible things happened to those girls.

Her parents had the same questions to the Elder. He answered the best he could. They knew the risks, but they needed someone who was strong of body and mind to go in there. It would be up to her to be careful to "pick" the right Master, and not get caught up in anything too dangerous. She also would always have the choice to leave. She could end the operation at any time.

The way the Elder spoke, Lili thought, it seemed the decision was already made. She looked at her parents. They were nodding, as if in agreement to everything he said.

"What if I don't want to?" Lili finally spoke up. The Elder looked surprised.

"What do you mean 'don't want to?' This is every Hunter's dream. You could be a huge hand in taking down one of the most dangerous vampire! Don't you want that honour?"

"Lili," her mother spoke up, "I know it's scary, but really, is it any scarier than the first time you went up against a vampire? It's the same thing, just slightly more intense. You are a strong girl, if you want to do this, I know you will succeed." It felt like they were ganging up on her. She couldn't say no at this point, could she? She could see exactly what woudl happen if she did. She would get such with all the crap jobs, they would label her as a coward, eventually she would have to "depart" from the Hunters "gracefully" or perform some incrediably stupid and dangerous task to regain their trust in her. She looked at her parents. Unless they said no then because she was a minor, it didn't matter what she wanted. She could even pretend that she wanted to, but because mom and dad said no, she couldn't do the mission. Her father looked away from her.

"Lili?" the Elder asked, "Do you want to accept this mission?" Lili forced herself to look at the Elder and not at her parents. It wasn't fair. She was a strong Hunter. Her parents had always treated their children like adults, why- for once- couldn't they act like normal parents and refuse to have their daughter killed? Why couldn't they be selfish for once? But that was just it, wasn't it? How many other girls and boys were out there suffering, needing someone to give them a ray of hope? Lili nodded.

"Yeah, I'll do it. When do we start?" she asked. The Elder smiled.

"As soon as possible. We know someone who can get you your first in. The Elders and I have discussed this at length. There are two options to get you into that world, the first being an auction. A pretty girl like you would go quickly and for a high price; however, that does not give us the control we desire in this situation. That could turn out to be exactly unbenefical to us. Hell, you could end up in Europe or Asia, which is not what we want.

"Anyway, like I said, we have a guy who will get you into a club, preferrably the sooner the better. He will point you to a vampire, which you will need to use all your skills to get chosen by him. Any information you receive should be given to our man, and he will pass it to us. He will also be keeping an eye on you, so if he believes you are going to far under or that this operation is going to be a bust, he'll let us know and we'll get you out.

"Your task is to get information and wait for our orders. Be extremely careful not to get too caught up with everything. We do understand you may get buzzed at times, and other things we normally the Hunters frown on in order to keep your cover, but do not allow yourself to be taken in or to be broken, understood?" Lili nodded, her heart pounding. The Elder stood up.

"Congratulation, Lili, you are doing a good thing," he smiled at her, "We'll meet you at the headquarters tonight."

"What do you mean I can't have any weapons on me?" Lili cried. The Hunter, who was debriefing her had just taken the stake she had in her coat. He had als just asked for her release any other weapons she had on her.

"How many other teenaged girls come into a club like that, harmed to the hilt?" he asked. She surrendered the rest of her weapons, which included a couple of stakes and a bottle of holy water.

"I'm keeping the cross," she said, glaring at the Hunter. He smiled at her, "Of course. It completes your outfit." It was all she could do for not smacking the Hunter. The outfit she chose wasn't exactly what she normally would wear, as she wouldn't normally show so much skin. She knew, as any Hunter knew, that vampires were sexual creatures, and her mission tonight was to catch the eye of her future master. She wore a short flared skirt, with black knee high boots, and a sleeveless black blouse, which was fairly low cut. The cross hung on a choker. It was small, the tip barely reached the hollow of her neck, and black. She was dressed as eye candy and she knew it, but that didn't mean the Hunter had to act like she was one of those stupid girls who enjoyed looking like that.

She left the prep room and went down the hall, heading out. She knew the address of the club. It was off on the outskirts of the town, out of the public's eye. She would get a ride to the club and then she was on her own. On the ride there, the Elder who drove told her again and again how careful she would have to be. She was to make contact with Mei Kaimen, or Kai, tonight. That was all. Kai would led her to her new master. The first night's task seemed simple enough.

As she walked into the club, smiling at the bouncer, who was too busy looking at her chest to notice how young Lili was, she couldn't stop thinking about what the Elder had also said. When it was time to go to her new master, she was to just go. Do not return home to say good bye or anything. She was to simply go. Lili hated the idea of simply disappearing into the night.

The club was packed; music pounded around her. It vibrated through her. The lights were dim and she could hardly see. How would she ever find Kai?

" Mi cielo, has volvida a migo. (My pet, you returned)" a voice seemed to whisper over the crowd, "No espero a verte tan temprano(I didn't expect to see you so soon)" Lili whirrled around, searching for the person who spoke. No one else seemed to notice. Her heart began to pound, "I am surprised at how you are dressed, my pet. I cannot say I don't like it."

"Where are you?" she whispered. No one else around her, despite the fact they pushed and bumped into her, heard her words but she knew he could hear her. He was in her somehow. It frightened her.

"I am waiting for you. I'll come to you shortly." Lili pushed herself out of the centre of the crowd, determined to find the one speaking to her. That would be a harder task than to find Kai, who she had no idea what he looked like. She began to circle the club, trying to get a feel of the club, and the people inside. She could tell that a lot of them were vampires, or creatures of the undead. The vampires were new ones, hardly any would be over 50 years old. There were one or two in the crowd who were much older. She could sense their anicent magic but she knew that she wouldn't be able to find out who they were. That sort of training she had no experience with. She reached the back of the club and suddenly all the lights went out. The crowd screamed. Lili stood very still, willing herself to get used to the dark. Was this a regular occurance? The air seemed to get thicker, as if someone turned on the dark ice machine on full. Now the crowd began to panic. There was a rush for the doors. Lili pushed herself away from the screaming crowd.

Then the lights came back on. Now the dim dancing lights, but the complete house lights. Everyone froze. Lili scanned the crowd, something was totally wrong here. She spotted a man, sitting in a throne like chair, on the stage. She shivered. He was extremely powerful and he was not afraid to hide it. All her common sense screamed at her to get out of the club right then and there. This was too dangerous. She had to decide quickly. Either stay and hope for the best (and hope to find Kai) or leave and hope the Hunters understood.

"Now now," his voice was soft and almost musical, "Calm down everyone. There is no need to panic," he looked out at the crowd, Lili stared at the ground. "Do not look at him. Do not look him in the eyes." she whispered to herself. She could hear the crowd still around her. It was under his complete control. She had to get out of there. Now.

"You will all be able to return to your partying soon enough," he said, standing up, "But I want to take a bit of a head count around here. I would like all the humans to come up to the front," Lili stiffened. Oh, that's not good. She pushed herself against the wall, hoping upon every hope she could imagine that no one would notice her. She wondered if her acts would be seen as crowardance by the Hunters, but quickly dismissed that thought. To join the humans up there would be suicide, pure and simple, "Come now. All of you. I want to see you all," The humans in the crowds, mostly slutty looking girls and only a few guys, made their way to the front, "Don't be afraid. Come on." It seemed like all the humans had made their way to the front. He smiled at the crowd.

"Is this everyone? Don't be afraid," he said. Suddenly the person next to Lili grabbed her arm.

"I found one!" he screamed. He was clearly drunk.

"Let me go!" she hissed, trying to yank her arm away from him. The demon, although drunk, was holding onto her with his might. It would leave a bruise. He pull her towards the front. Lili could feel his gaze on her.

"Do not be afraid," he said again. The demon pulled her to the front of the crowd and flung her down. She stumbled but caught her balance.

"You are all beautiful human beings and each are to be chosen to acheive something none of you thought were possible of you. You were destined to meaningless lives but now your life will mean so much more," he smiled at the crowd. Lili looked around her. The others looked at him, in awe. Some looked bewildered, but each and every single one of them were looking at the vampire as if he was god, "Now, shall we let the bidding begin?"

"Bidding?" some whispered around her. Lili felt her stomach drop. Every thing in her screamed to get out. She turned and ran for it. She pushed others out of the way. Perhaps she should stay to try to help the others, but she couldn't save anyone on her own. She was outnumbered. A couple of vampires, clearly working with the one on the stage caught Lili and tried to fling her back into the crowd. Lili dug her heel in and stumbled a couple of feet. She wished she kept her weapons on her. She would fight her way out, if needed. She looked around. On the other side of the guards were a couple of pool tables. Experience taught her that pool cues could be very handy. Lili kicked one of the demons in the face, breaking his nose. He wasn't expecting it. She turned to kick another out of her, but her element of surprise was ruined. Now the guards were expecting her. He grabbed her foot and flipped her on the ground. Lili landed roughly but used the momentum to kick back, pushing the demon away. She rolled over and jumped to her feet.

She could hear the vampire on the stage chuckling. He seemed to enjoy watching Lili fight. She rushed a guard, shoving him as hard as she could. It wasn't a fancy martial art move, but it did the trick. She jumped over the fallen guard and ran towards the pool table. She grabbed the cue and broke it in half over her knee. Now she had something to work with. A guard ran at her. She knelt down and plunged one of the cue halves into his chest, causing to explode into dust around her. She jumped down off the table and managed to stake two other guards, that were coming at her. She looked around, trying to figure out where to go next. She noticed that the stage vampire was no longer on the stage. She turned around, fearing the worse.

He grabbed her chin, and forced it up, causing her to look in his eyes. Brown eyes, with golden flecks in them. She tried to look away, pull away but his hold was simply too strong for her. She felt her body relax, as it gave into his powerful magic.

"Look at me," she could hear his voice in her head. Her Hunter instinct told her to shut her eyes, look away, but she was already falling under his spell, "Good girl." He led her up the stairs, onto the stage. She felt so weak. She knew she ought to fight back but she couldn't find the energy.

"Alright then, now that we have that out of our system, let's begin the bidding with this one," he said, "Young girl with enough spirit to go for days, and as an added bonus, she is attractive. Who wants the pleasure of breaking this young lady?"

"Daniel, give her here," a familar voice said. Lili tried to see who it was but the vampire had not given up his control on her yet. A look of annoyance passed through the vampire's brown eyes.

"I don't hear a bid," he called out.

"Daniel," his voice carried a warning. Daniel seemed to hesitate, as if playing with the idea of denying the other vampire what he wanted but then decided to throw Lili at him. She stumbled into him. Her mind was suddenly clear from the vampire. She turned around, determined to fight but stopped. It was the vampire with the blue/ green eyes.

Edit: More added to Scene Four on November 21, 2007

blackflame28 @ 2007-11-16T11:08:00

2007-11-16T21:13:56Z

She opened her eyes, and shot up in bed. "Oh my god," she thought, as realization hit her that she had fallen asleep in her clothes still. In any other household, that would be okay. The parents may laugh a little at their children for crashing without changing first, but it wouldn't be a big deal. But her family wasn't exactly normal. Actually, her life wouldnt' be what she would call "normal." She grabbed her pajamas and raced into her bathroom. She quickly pulled off her clothes and yanked on her pajama pants. She reached for her t-shirt and paused. She looked at her forearm. It was completely healed. There was no evidence of the scratches on her arm from the night before. She pulled her shirt on and looked in the mirror. It looked like last night never happened, and she hoped, maybe it was just a dream. Of course, the pile of clothes on her bathroom floor reported another story. One she knew she had to keep from her parents.

She took a deep breath and headed downstairs for Saturday brunch. Weekend brunch was such a huge deal to her parents. They always made alot of food (too much food) and it could last for a couple of hours. Actually, most of Saturday was family time but it was more a bizarre twist of family time. Brunch time, however, would be her family's time to be "normal." Maybe.

Her younger sister, Mallory, was already at the table, eating toast. They were a big family. Her parents seemed to think their family should be a like a village, huge and enough to take care of everyone. The eldest was 24 years old. He was currently attending the local university in biomedical studies. His name was Adam. She looked at the clock. Adam was late for Brunch. The next eldest was just walking in the door, Tanya, 22. She grinned at Mallory, and the third in line was Roseleen, 20. The fourth born, Brad, 18, was also missing. He was always late to Brunch, usually with some fanastic story. She was the fifth in the family, followed by Mallory, then finally, the youngest, number seven, Ash, who was 10.

"Lili!" Tanya squeeled as she hunged her sister. She stiffened. Her family was exteremely huggy. Maybe because it was always the possibility that it would be the last time they would see them. She smiled politely and sat down at the table. Adam came bursting in the door, wearing a huge grin. Her family was also an extremely happy family. Actually, she often felt like she didn't quite belong in the family. She wasn't as happy and cheerful as the rest of them. Her mom said it was simply because of her age, but she couldn't remember a time when she was bubbly and bouncy. In fact, right now, Mallory was bouncing. Their father was beginning to bring out the foods; pancakes, waffles, eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, susages, toast, jams, jellies, orange juice, apple juice, milk, tea, coffee and fresh fruits. It was a true feast.

"Shouldn't we wait for Brad?" Ash asked, as he grabbed a piece of toast from the stack. The siblings had grabbed their plates and began to load up on the food. Her mother put her arm around Lili.

"Hurry up, Lil, before it's all gone!" she said then answered the others, "Brad will be here later in the afternoon. He is coming with some files. Something big happened last night, apparently. A huge bust." Lili's ears perked up.

"What? Where?" she asked. Her father grabbed her plate and began to put food on it. Lili frowned. She wasn't hungry this morning.

"At Storm," her mother answered, naming a popular club. The club Lili was at the night before. She didn't stay too late there. Actually, she wasn't there for long. She didn't even know about the bust.

"Yeah," Tanya said, "I spoke to Brad before I came over. A bunch of teenaged girls were brought in, all in control of another vampire. It was disturbing. Brad is trying to work with the girls, trying to find out who their 'siren' is but he told me they are just too loyal. I am going in after Brunch to try otherwise..." she trailed off for a moment, "Lil, you are pretty good with the girls. Why don't you come with me? I would need your help over the other Hunters anyway." Lili poked at her meal.

"Sure, Tanya," she replied then stood up, "I'm not that hungry this morning. I'm going to get ready to go." Her parents frowned, obviously concerned, but nodded. Lili retreated to her room and took off her pajamas that she barely had on.

Her outfit would be completely different from last nights. This would be her Hunter look, for she was a demon Hunter, just like the rest of her family. She grabbed a pair of black cargo pants, a black t-shirt and grabbed her black sneakers from the bottom of her closet. Next would be to hide some weapsons in the folds of her clothes. A good Hunter never left the home without something to protect herself with. She went back into the bathroom and dug through her pile of clothes. Somewhere was her blessed twin daggers, her favourite weapon. She found only one. She closed her eyes, trying to remember more of the night before. As the night faded into light, she could only remember his eyes. These beautiful blue/ green eyes that captured her. She couldn't even remember now why she had cuts on her arms. She could remember going to Storm but after that.

She slid the dagger into her pants. She hoped she hadn't dropped the second dagger at the club. Her parents, nor did the Elders of the Hunters, knew her plans the night before. It has been a dangerous and risky decision, but one she knew she had to do. She stared at herself in the mirror. This feeling of being lost, of fear, was new for her. She was always in control, a young Hunter, on the fast track of becoming an amazing Hunter, possibly one of the youngest to be appointed to the Council. She couldn't screw that up. She returned to her bedroom and grabbed her backpack. Time to go.

"Dammit, Brad, there was sixteen girls brought in!" Tanya yelled at her brother, "Where the fuck on the others?" Lili peered into the interview room, where only four girls sat. Each held each others hands, clearly afraid.

"It wasn't my decision!" Brad yelled back, standing face to face with his sister, "The Elders thought the others weren't going to say anymore. They thought they should be brought in for rehabiliation." Lili shuddered. Those poor girls. As if they hadn't been through enough. She looked at her siblings. Yeah, they would be agruing for a while. She opened the door and walked in. The four girls looked up.

"I already told the others, I don't know anything!" one girl cried, "I just want to go home." Lili held up her hands.

"I know you do," she jerked her head towards the door, "But those idoits don't quite get the picture. You see, they believe in vampires and they seem to think you had drank from one of those beasts. This concerns them. Now they just want to help you. They also want to find out who is trying to hurt you."

The girl who spoke before rolled her eyes, "I was at the Club. I was partying it up. I did some drugs, okay? I was probably stoned or something. But this is kidnapping! You have to let me go!"

"What about the rest of you?"

"His name is Merrick," one girl whispered, "He... he's my master. He's going to find me and he's going to kill me. I shouldn't have gotten so far from him," the girl looked up at Lili, "Please! Please you have to send me back to him. Maybe he'll forgive me!"

"Your master?" the other girl cried, "What the fuck? Does he own you or something fucked up?"

"He brought me. My brother... he was into drugs or something bad. He couldn't pay his debt. I was real young. I was the perfect price." Lili remained quiet. She knew the other girl would ask the questions. Lili would only speak up if the situation got out of hand.

"What? Did he rape you? Man, oh man, that's illegal! Once you get out of this hell, you can go back to your family!" The girl took in a deep breath, almost afraid of that idea.

"Merrick is my family. I cannot go back. All I know is him," the girl looked at Lili, "He brought me to bring others. I heard him say that there will be a big auction soon. He was shopping."

"What the fuck?" the other girl jumped to her feet, "And you are okay with that?"

"I have to."

"No you don't!" She looked at the other two girls.

"Are you like her?" she cried, "Are you some weakling who is going to let some monster destory another life?" The one of the girls shook her head.

"My boyfriend was turned recently..." one said. The other shrugged and said, "I like the feeling." Lili nodded. She knew what the last girl was talking about. Or at least she read about it. The drink, followed by the high. To feel like they do, to have the senses they do, to be almost like them. It must be an amazing feeling. Too bad it had such a high price.

The door to the interview room opened. One of the three Elders who stepped squeezed Lili's shoulder. The two Elders ushered the other two girls out.

"Lil, you always do an amazing job," the Elder said. His name was Elder Reed. He was a close family friend. He shut the door behind him, as the girls filed out, "In fact, after watching you now, I think we are going to need a meeting with your parents. I have an assignment for you, which is going to be extremely difficult but I know it's perfect for you."

"What is it, sir?" she asked. Elder Reed paused for a moment.

"I want you to go undercover. We need an in. We have heard about this Merrick for a while now. We need to know more and we need to stop this auction but we are never going to learn anything from these raids we keep doing. We can make sure you will get in but be relatively safe. We'll figure out a way to get the information from you," he smiled, "Lili, we have been thinking about this for a while now and I know you are going to be perfect. You are strong, an excellent fighter but street smart," he paused, "We just need to speak with your parents. I know they will be so proud of you." He stood up and left the room.

Lili's heart began to beat fast. Those eyes took over her memory.

"I've heard a lot about you," he had whispered in her ear. She could remember this now. He took her arm and pulled her from the group. He traced her face with his finger. She tried to fight out of his hold. It was too strong for her. She cursed herself for going on the hunting trip alone. He pulled her close. At this point, her memory began to fade, "I know I won't regret this decision."

She jumped to her feet, knocking over the chair. She left the room, Tanya was waiting for her, her mouth hanging open.

"Elder Reed just told me..." she whispered, "He's coming over for dinner tonight. Oh, Lil!"

The four of them sat in the kitchen. The rest of the siblings had been kicked out of the room, but they all knew they were just standing on the other side of the wall, each fighting to get a better stop to hear. Tanya had not been able to contain herself and announced at each sibling the news. Lili remained silent on the subject. Ash had approached her before dinner, asking if it was true. She shrugged. He told her it was awfully brave to give her life for the cause. She wondered if she agreed if that was exactly what she would be doing. Another thought would be if she had the option to decline the mission. No Hunter had before declined a mission, so she wasn't sure what would happen exactly. She wasn't sure if she wanted this mission. As much as she loved to slay the Big Bad, this seemed to dangerous. Once in the world of vampires, who knew what would happen to her and, honestly, who knew exactly how much she would have to give of herself in order to get in as deep as the Elders wanted? Once the mission was over, if she survived, who knew what sort of state she would be in? She had interview girls who had gotten out of slave/ master situtations. Terrible things happened to those girls.

Her parents had the same questions to the Elder. He answered the best he could. They knew the risks, but they needed someone who was strong of body and mind to go in there. It would be up to her to be careful to "pick" the right Master, and not get caught up in anything too dangerous. She also would always have the choice to leave. She could end the operation at any time.

The way the Elder spoke, Lili thought, it seemed the decision was already made. She looked at her parents.

tbc...

"Osama bin Laden in a Christ-like pose and a statue of the Virgin Mary covered in a burqa"

2007-08-30T22:58:29Z

Artworks depicting Osama bin Laden in a Christ-like pose and a statue of the Virgin Mary covered in a burqa have caused a stir in Australia after they were showcased in a prestigious religious art competition

I'm not even sure how to respond to this one.

A Challenge

2007-08-22T01:01:24Z

I hereby issue a challenge. I would request that all accept; however, i am aware it may be time consuming. I am not putting a deadline on the challenge but i would request that i am notified if you wish to partake in this challenge.

This is the challenge:

Lately i have heard a lot of remarks regarding the "evils" of religion, especially Christianity and i would like to challenge those people to put their money where their mouth is. Please provide to me your opinions to why religion, or Christianity, is "Evil" or a determent to people and society. I would request for more than statements to the effect of "just because" or "this is my experience" because we all know experiences can be misleading. i would request that you would back up your opinions with fact from verified sources. Use books, magazines or internet links, but please note your sources.

I believe in freedom of opinion, of speech, of expression; however, i also believe that people should intelligently back up their opinions.

I hope you will all partake in this challenge.

(Aside: for those who believe in religion or Christianity and would like to do the reverse of the Challenge, i also welcome you.)